The Face of Heart Failure

The one who comes for me will know that I am a treasure. He will see it in the sparkle in my eyes when I see him. The one who comes for me will know that I compliment his life By the way I create a loving home for us. The one who comes for me will not be afraid to love just me. Because I will be more than enough for him, because he waited......for God to send me. The one who comes for me has been looking for me all his life waiting for the other half of his heart The one who comes for me will know me, love me and have faith in me because GOD created ME for the one.......who comes for me. Original Poem (c) 2019 Susan B. Donaldson

 Stop using your kids to get ahead in life. It really sickens me to see some parents use their kids because they have made such a mess of their lives. From selling your kids to the highest bidder during tax season to taking their money from school when you haven't attended any classes. Or getting them to rent things for you because you can't stand on your own name. Your children don't owe you anything but love and to make them feel guilty for not wanting to help you is a shame. I could see if you have worked all your life and then you got down on your luck and need some help, but to just outright scam them is sick. Parents are supposed to be the teacher and protector of the children not the ones hurting them.

I love you Lord and give all the honor and praise to you for keeping me shielded from my enemies and keeping me safe from harm. I know you will heal me from this sickness and make me whole again or when you're ready for me to be with you, whatever way you choose I am OK with that because, I choose YOU.I am so blessed to be learning about you.

I feel so good today. It's beautiful because GOD woke me up this morning. My cousins are coming down this weekend. It's really breezy today but it feels good. I got in a good 30 minute workout using myself as the weight. I worked out with the 5 lb hand weights too. I really get a rush from working out clears out the cobwebs.

My momma has NEVER HAD TO QUESTION who MY DADDY was, he knows me inside out and he loves me beyond measure. He Gave me a WONDERFUL EARTHBOUND FATHER TO COME THROUGH. She insisted on using protection, because she was "done" having kids after my oldest sister was born, BUT MY DADDY said, no honey I got a few more for you. There would have been 6 of us, but MY DADDY needed the other two. HE KNOWS WHY I AM THE WAY THAT I AM, HE KNOWS HOW MANY HAIRS ARE ON MY HEAD, he knows how many years I'm supposed to be here. Every quirky thing about me, that may drive other people up the wall MY DADDY knows why I do them. My DADDY HAS A LOT OF KIDS, SOME OF US ARE SUPER GOOD AND SOME OF US ARE SUPER BAD, BUT BECAUSE HE'S MY DADDY HE TAKES CARE OF EACH ONE OF HIS KIDS WITHOUT BEING TOLD TO DO SO. He doesn't worry about HIS BABIES Momma's trying to keep us from him or run game on him and CHILD SUPPORT IS NEVER AN ISSUE, because MY DADDY IS ALWAYS RIGHT ON TIME WI

I haven't had a panic attack in nearly a year. Last night was a bad one. I went to bed relatively early for me, when I awoke in the middle of the night feeling as if I could catch my breath, it scared me so bad that feeling which triggered the panic attack. Since the death of my niece I have been baracading myself in my room at night which is something I did not used to do. I always slept with the door open, but as of late this is how it's been. I remember when I was diagnosed with my panic disorder I was instructed to avoid stimulating triggers, smoking, coffee anything with caffeine in it and chocolate, those were my triggers when I was overly stimulated, if you have never had a panic attack you wouldn't know what I deal with when it happens. It can last from a few minutes to as long as a day and I'm powerless to stop them from happening, then it dawned on me. I have been spending a lot of time up at my cousins and have had my fair share of sugary drinks which is some

I woke up this morning with a phone call from my God-baby. We had a short brief chat and I came away from it with the conclusion is that we as women put ourselves in situations we don't have to be in when it comes to a man. WE ARE BUSY JUMPING UP AND DOWN GOING "PICK ME!, PICK ME". We have a gift and to recognize that gift gives US the power. Wars have been waged over it, friendships and families have been divided over the beguiling ways of a woman. She is loving when she wants to be, conniving when she has to be and treacherous when she has been scorned. It takes a lot for a woman to give herself to a man, some do it with dignity and gracefulness, but the game is still the same. Like with a peacock show. We are in such deep competition with each other that we would murder just to be loved by someone, but if you can't love yourself and respect who you are as a woman then neither will he. People have forgotten the natural order of things, the man is supposed to be the

Women are a mass of hormones. It is our cross to bear. We do go bananas with our first menstrual cycle to menopause and the road in between isn't any better. The rages the surges in progesterone and estrogen makes us difficult to deal with or to love 28 days out of every month, but when you have other issues that you are holding back on top of those issues it can be like a powder keg when those explosions happen and then the men in our lives have no clue what to do with us. Tenderness and compassion go a long way with a woman. Sometimes we just don't need any words, sometimes we just need a hug.

I look at this picture and I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have been in love with this man for almost 30 years now. I have been able to get over when someone I was dealing with has done me wrong, but not this man. He is my Achilles Heel. He always has been. I always had to love him in secret so no one would know. If you have to hide it how can it be love? My love is and was always real for me. But, there was always another woman. I was just one of many. I have prayed so hard and asked GOD to move this man from my heart, but he is still the only man I have been "in love with" there have been men that I loved, but not like this. I have found myself doing things that I never would have allowed if this were me back in the day. He still has the ability to knock me off my axis. I had such a wonderful day, I read my bible and tried so hard to stay prayed up and in one fail swoop when he called me to question me about the email I sent him and I was back in that bad head s

I am back at Day 1. I was so good at resisting him, but when tragedy struck my family he was the first one I wanted to call, to cry on his shoulders, to have him hold me and console me. But to him it was a way to get back in, under my skin. He was always my drug of choice and still the one thing I can not control. I love him and need him, but due to past hurts he will never allow me to be in his life emotionally only the physical connection which was always there was what drew him back in my bed again. I am not strong enough to resist him, so I need to lean on GOD for guidance. I really don't know why this man is in my life, but he has been apart of the fabric of my life for nearly 30 years of which I spent 25 of them loving him and 15 of those years actually being with him.  There were of course those times during those 15 years when we were on hiatus and seeing other people but  every single chance I got when I couldn't be with him I ran. This life didn't make sense to m

My sister and my cousin and I each have joined www.myfitnesspal.com and it was the best decision I made in taking my life back. With my heart failure diagnoses I was afraid of everything and all I saw was that things were changing in a major way and I was not sure I could fight my way out of it. The depression and despair, but this is where the devil wanted me living in fear and afraid to get better. When the doctors said no more climbing stairs and they took away circuit training, sank lower and lower. I felt chained to my apartment. I didn't want anyone to see me in this wheel chair. I remembered something I heard in Blade Trinity. When the young woman had lost her good friend and he told her to use the pain to help herself fight. I thought I would use this damn chair to help me work out and to get better. My heart is a muscle and a muscle needs to be worked. I have been working out 3-4 days per week and tracking my food and fluid intake. Working out causing me to have to have mo

I been writing more of my niece's book and it's actually getting harder the more I write about her. Hopefully I will get to see her again.  I struggle with her death on a day to day basis and I know getting upset all the time and crying is not good for my heart because it keeps my heart rate up and I am agitated because the more I write the more answers I have about what happened. I try to stay calm but it's so hard not to break down and cry each time, it also isn't good for me to be upset about this whole thing due to the fact that I am an emotional eater and it could go left real quick for me. Over the weekend it was hard maintaining my diet regimen because Shannon wasn't far from my thoughts. I just kept asking her for a sign that she was OK and when we were in my cousin's car one of her favorite old songs came on and it was then that I felt she was ok RIP Lady Baller.

My cousin and I have become fitness pals. I want to get out of this wheelchair for good. I exercised for 50 minutes this morning. I have to save my life. With God's help and grace. I pray for my cousin to reach her goal. She is my biggest motivator. I have a long way to go and God willing I will reach my goal of losing 200 pounds. Please keep me in your prayers and I will pray for all of you. I have to keep God apart of every plan I make.

My mind was going in so many directions and I had to clear out all the clutter and be still and talk to GOD. I needed to make these changes for my soul salvation. I know it's going to be tough, and people are not going to like the changes in me that are to come, but I have to worry about saving my soul. I also want to work with at risk young people as a youth minister. I think under the tutelage of Pastor Michele Wilkins I will be well on my way to doing something meaningful with my life. My soul was aching and lonely because I was not living the way the GOD wanted me to. GOD wants me to prosper, he does not want illness to attack me. If you don't have your health, everything falls by the wayside, but if you don't have YOUR SPIRITUAL health you really have nothing. Be blessed and be a blessing to one another. Your sister in Christ Susan

I have seen the passing of my niece and now I have lost a childhood friend. I am simply appalled at the rash of young people leaving this world and it's really made me stop and think about truly getting my affairs in order. Of course, we know not the hour or the day that GOD will call each one of us home, but we all should be prepared as best that we can be. The next moment is not promised. I am trying to live enough just for today.

Sometimes bearing your soul to the one person you are the most vulnerable to can be a release of their hold on you, or you start to finally see them in a whole new light. I see them for who they are and in doing so I realized they will never see me, the true me, the one that love unconditionally, but can't get that same love in return. I said that my illness was both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because GOD spared my life and I no longer get upset and internalize why I could never measure up to his ideal woman, The long flowing natural hair, big girl, with no stomach and tall. I tried, I really tried to be that woman. I was growing out my hair until the illness happened and the medication started making it fall out. I tried working out until, the illness and the doctors said I couldn't anymore at least not the kind I was doing and was giving me the emotional support I needed. I love him and I always will, but I no longer have the desire to be with him romanticall

Dealing with the tremendous loss of my niece has had so many emotions swirling around my head. I was in such despair of Shannon's murder that all I wanted to do was go where she was, so I could watch over my daddy, my nephew Sam and Shannon. I knew all I had to do was just not take my heart medication and the pain would be over soon. I would not have to worry about this world and all the bad things in it. I had to get out of that head space, GOD gave me a second chance in more ways than one. I had to tell Shannon's story. From not just my own perspective, but from the people around her who were willing to share their stories with me. I owed her that to finish what I started for her. As hurt as I am, this is NOT MY LIFE, GOD gave it to me and it is HIS WILL and time frame that he will call me home. I re-read the most beautiful and touching letter from a young woman who did not have much time with Shannon, but she loved her enough for this lifetime and she promised to see her in

I have to take measures into my own hands. I looked at a picture of myself that was taken at my nieces re-past over the weekend and I was shocked at how I looked. I realize because of not having insurance its pretty limited what the my health department doctor can do for me as far a nutritionist and a personal trainer. I have to be pro-active in my own recovery. Walking is an issue and I don't have my walker anymore right now. I have to make some major changes. I'm 42 now and I don't want to keep looking like this. I need to get out of this chair.

I haven't talked about heart failure in a minute because I have been dealing with the loss of my niece Shannon. Her life was so pull of potential. I saw so much of her tenacity in myself. If I was bound and determined to do something I was just going to do and damn what anybody had to say. I loved drinking, smoking and partying. I was wrecking my body in the long run, I may have very set the stage for what has happened to me so I accept the part I played in my own life. Oh, I'm sure genetics played a role too, but I wonder how much of my mother's heart failure was due to years and years of abuse to her own body. I don't know if I will really ever have the answers for why any of this happened to me. It's harder now to lose the weight. I can no longer take supplements to help. Buying anything over the counter could have serious repercussions for me. I am not allowed to do the things that I feel are beneficial to me, but going against why my doctor tells me is also the

There are so many things swirling through my mind. I really think I had an out of body experience yesterday at my nieces home-going service. When the crowd disbursed I didn't want to leave her there by herself. Needless to say I had to be helped back to my friends truck. It was while I was at the truck my heart began pounding so fast. I felt like I was floating up above my own body and I could hear the screaming and wailing and I could see them lowering her into the ground I think it was then that I lost it completely. I could see the back of my head and it was then that I realized it was me. I literally had left  my body. I could not catch my breath and it was like a scene from a movie when someone is so distraught that the words and sound escape their bodies and they have traveled up and out. My sister says all she wants now is justice for her daughter. I want the GOD to avenge Shannon. I also have to pray to GOD to ask me to find the strength to forgive. This is the hard road th

Today was the home-going for my late niece Shannon Simone Washington. I was so amazed at how many people supported her and loved her. She was beautiful soul. I won't post much today. Very tired from all the crying and just want to lay down. My heart is so heavy. I take comfort in knowing she is in a better place. The selfishness in me wants to keep her here, but GOD's will was that she be with him. Keep reaching lady baller.

As the days still pass by I can't help but to keep wondering why my niece's life is over, her work was just beginning. I think of how reckless and carefree I was with my own life putting myself into situations that many told me were no good for me, but I was headstrong and willful and nobody was going to tell me how to live my life and who to be with. My family is grieving for yet another child lost to us and it made me look over my life and the decisions I made when I was younger would  make up what my life is today. I took for granted that I would have children of my own, but now because of poor health it is not a possibility for me. When I was younger I felt invincible but when GOD showed me his true power I could only weep over the life he gave me how much of it I squandered being foolish and thinking I had all the time in the world. My sister Chapelle had four daughters and each one reminded me of myself at different stages. I saw so much of myself in Shannon, that drive t

TODAY MY NIECE SHANNON WASHINGTON WAS MURDERED. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW UPSET MY FAMILY IS. MY NIECE HAD A PROMISING CAREER AS A STUDENT ATHLETE AT FAMU. PLEASE PRAY FOR MY FAMILY TO FIND UNDERSTANDING IN THIS SENSELESS KILLING. SHANNON SIMONE WASHINGTON 1991-2011 "LADY BALLER"

I spent some much needed time with my family and did a lot of reflecting on my life and how some real reckless decisions altered my life in a major way. For years I allowed myself to be the other women in a man's life. Oftentimes without my knowledge. My sister once asked me why did I put up with such behavior, and my responsive to her was often on the defensive to protect what I thought was mine only to find out later that I like so many others was one of many. Never would be given the title of wife or girlfriend, but when you were angry and needed a shoulder to lean on or to buy the kids birthday gifts and let you sign the card like you were the one who had gotten them the gift, and received no thanks or accolades from the other party because I could not see the look on their face when they opened MY birthday gift or MY Christmas gift......no it was not my place......I was the other woman. I put up with the jealous antics when one child that was so close to you said to you, She i

My New Book  The Face of Heart Failure Book is Ready

The Face of Heart Failure: The Capacity of A Woman's Love : Today I was able to release something in my spirit that had been dogging me for a long time. It was extremely cathartic and I wept like I ha...

Today I was able to release something in my spirit that had been dogging me for a long time. It was extremely cathartic and I wept like I have never wept before. Two years ago I was dying and my Heavenly FATHER spared my life. GOD's mercy and love for me is astonishing. I want to talk to the men today. You have no idea what blessings and miracles we women are to you. WE have the capacity to love you in spite of all your bullshit that you heap upon us. You lie to us until those lies catch up to you....EVEN then WE still forgive you for things that YOU never forgive us for. The double standard needs to be put to bed once and for all. From the secrets you keep to the random women you sleep with and wreaking havoc along the way. I am here today not because I loved the wrong man. I AM STILL STANDING BECAUSE OF GOD'S MERCY AND GRACE. He will deal with you. I CAN'T PHYSICALLY FIGHT YOU, BUT ON MY KNEES MY BATTLE IS ALREADY WON. GOD KEEPS ME SAFE FROM HARM on a daily basis. Wheneve

I used to hear my former pastor talk about speaking things into existence in your life. To be careful what you pray for, because you just might get it. Be specific with what you're asking GOD to do in your life. Be mindful of the prayers you pray. When they are answered, they may not come the way you think they should. Surround yourself with positive people. Understand and realize that some people who have done you wrong, let GOD deal with them in HIS time, not your time table. From the man who hurt you so bad to the woman who broke your heart, you have to forgive people. Even when they go about their lives  like you never meant anything to them, or you may have dogged somebody out yourself. FORGIVENESS GOES A LONG WAY EVEN WHEN THEY WON'T SAY I'M SORRY OR ADMIT THEY WERE WRONG. People walk around with these kinds of facades to protect their feelings, and even when you finally discovered that they themselves low self esteem, but get off on making you feel bad. you . I have

You never in a million years think that someone you have loved for what seems like a lifetime would move on without you, or never hesitated to try and win you back, because they always knew deep down you would come back. Sometimes we as women break up with a man to stop a behavior in him, or wanted to be taken seriously by him, or simply acknowledge by him that you meant more to him than you did. For us women who have loved men who love to dog out women, there is a fundamental issue here. No man or woman ever started out to be that selfish bastard or hardened women who has a electrified fence around her heart, someone hurt them deeply that made them that way. It was never my fault that he could not love me the way I wanted to be loved, I NEVER MADE MY INTENTIONS KNOWN TO HIM . I put up with being put on the sideline because I was the one invading another person's space. My former husband did not really stand a chance even though he was conning me all along, my heart was somewhere

Susan and Sandra, Sandra and Susan or as my older sister Chapelle calls us "them two sisters there" we have always been together. If one is missing in action they swear we each know where the other one is. She has been my rock if it were not for my sister Sandra insisting that I go to the hospital. I would have died on April 16, 2009. I can not stress to her my gratitude in pushing the issue. She says she did it for selfish reasons, she wanted me to be here. I love her for that. My heart gets so full up when I think about my sister, and my best friend. We have gone through our share of ups and downs. But we long ago learned to respect each other as women and individuals. It took for my mother to make me realize when certain people tried to pit us against each other or break that foundation we have. I could not imagine going a day without talking to my sister Sandra. She sees me and accepts me for who I am. No matter what. If you have broken relationships that need repair fix

I told you in a previous blog that there is always a lesson in your life. My GOD showers me with his love and protection everyday. I fretted so over my bills each and everyday. It was a constant struggle to make sure I kept those bills in check, from not allowing too many people to visit and stay over or making sure they were not burning too much electricity. As bad as I needed to keep my car I could not afford a payment either and I worried constantly over it. When the insurance premiums got too high and the car note behind when my medicine costs went up I fretted yet again. My Heavenly Father took the burden off my shoulders with the repossession, and there were no longer car insurance premiums to pay it actually freed up some of my income to help my household stay afloat. I am not to proud to say I needed that help from GOD. I still have access to transportation and now what used to cost me over 300.00 a month to maintain will now only cost me about 30.00. The places I need to go ar

Yesterday I was tried from all sides yesterday. I felt like I could not bear to lose one more thing due to my illness, and as I said before there is a lesson in every aspect of your life. I took for granted that I would have my education to fall back on, I took for granted that when a man said he loved me, he ment it. I took for granted that I would always be able to work and take care of myself and keep my head above water. What I found out yet again the hard way was that I don't have my education to occupy my time. I have to sit out for nine months before they will let me come back to USF. I have been going to college so long I should have 3 PhD's by now, but I have been getting in my own way and not completing what I started. Then life throws those curves and you have to sink, swim or float on. One this is definite is that being sick doesn't care if you can't eat. Your illness doesn't know who's going to pay the light bill or the mortgage. Watching you life b

Fear is a very powerful emotion. Especially when the unknown is just that one uncertain thing that can often cripple you in your decision making and fear will lead you into situations that you normally would not have been in like a horse running towards a burning stable. Fear lead me into a marriage. Fear of being alone and thinking no one would want a sickly woman who can no longer do certain things like I used to. It was that same fear that made me doubt my self-worth and who I was as a woman. I allowed a man I was seeing to treat me with the utmost disrespect while I was seeing him. I was the other women in his life and it was because I had fear in being without him kept me in bondage in a destructive and dysfunctional relationship that was one sided. I allowed him to sleep with a friend of mine hoping to strengthen our bond, but it tore down my long standing relationship with the woman. I got rid of anyone in my life that was not on board with my relationship with him and again it

This blog post today  is dedicated to my friends and family. I wanted to say I love you all for the support that you have given me, and for keeping me encouraged. This is for you and I say thank you with all sincerity.

I woke up around 8:30 this morning after a fitful night of trying to sleep, so I decided to take a ME day. I heard the phone ringing all day and chose to lay in my bed alone with my thoughts. The ones that I share with no one but ME. I found out some things a few days ago and the woman scorned in me wanted to retaliate, but my long passed away father Sammie Lee in me would not let me inflict the pain upon the person who continues to this day to punish me for past relationship crimes and we have long since not been involved. How to you both love and hate someone at the same time? Is this possible. I had to weep and I get this out of me, it's a like a cancer that is consuming me. They need to be confronted for the things they have done and I need to let it go, so that's why I took a ME day to be alone with just ME and my thoughts.

Today, I wanted to touch on the some of the social stigmas related to disabilities. If I were an amputee and you saw me in the rolling cart at Wal-mart, you would not hesitate for a minute to wonder why, and you would carry on about your day. I feel like I'm part of the Omyatica Clan from Avatar: I can not teach you to see. My illness is not shown like that, but what you see is this obese woman who is to lazy to walk through the store, and you could not be more wrong. If you see me in the Bradenton Wal-marts and you have seen my blog then you would KNOW why I'm in the rolling cart. I was seriously going to make a T-shirt that spelled out exactly what was wrong. I don't need the comments and the stares from people, JUST ASK ME WHAT'S WRONG, don't assume to know anything about me UNTIL YOU ASK ME. To avoid all the nonsense, I usually do my grocery shopping at 2 or 3 in the morning so I can be alone and get my shopping done and get home. If you really want to get to kn

Today as I sat in my information session at Vocational Rehab I realized some "personal truths' about myself. At first it was hard to identify, but I knew at some point that I would have to look in the mirror and see it for exactly what it was. I have been going through the seven stages of the grieving process over the life that I felt I was being denied. With my heart-failure I have gone through the shock and denial that I was going to recover from this illness. The pain and guilt I had for letting go who I perceived to be the love of my life because I did not want him to leave me, I new deep down he would never be able to deal with my illness. Then came the anger and bargaining with GOD to please heal my heart so I could go back to work and finish my nursing degree and have the family I always wanted.  Then the depression and reflection over the things I may have done that lead to my heart failure from the drinking, smoking and partying and just being on auto-pilot for 13 ye

People in most families it often gets overlooked or swept under the rug as being the special aunt or uncle. But Depression and Bipolar disorder Manic/Depressive rages are a real issues and need to be addressed. Families need to talk about it you need to talk about it. There are many support groups that deal with depression many in your local area. Just talk to someone. It looks differently through fresh eyes. Be Blessed and be a blessing

I've been sort of melancholy today. The more I read about my illness the more I get upset that I feel powerless to help myself. It feels like an constant uphill battle and this is one of those discouraging days, I know this is my "test" in life to see if I will sink or swim. I know I have to fight to live, but today, I feel like my battle is getting the best of me. The devil is now attacking me in my finances and I am doing all I can to stay afloat. I looked into trying to go back to work, at least part time. The social security office has this Ticket to Work program that will help people like me try and obtain employment training, cause lets face it my whole working career has been mostly nursing and security and those two jobs require that you be alert for them, you have someone's life in your hands; literally. I need to go back to work to survive. I am barely hanging on, this is the time I need to pray harder and let the LORD carry me because today I am too weak to

I have given you enough of  my back story for right now. I want women to really listen to the video of the things that we should be mindful of with heart disease and heart attack symptoms it could save your life. I am a living testament to GOD's mercy and grace. He spared my life so I would able to try and help save another women's life. listen to the video and please leave comments. You can email me :susan_washington@yahoo.com check me out on facebook Susan SookieStackhouse Washington or on youtube : faceofheartfailure. If you just want to talk about your fears with heart disease call me 941-567-4470

I met a wonderful new friend today. His name is Tony Jones, he too suffers from Congestive Heart Failure. He was fortunate enough to find a donor heart. The gift of life is a very precious thing. I want to talk about depression in people with heart failure. It is a very real thing to have to completely alter your life now that you have this illness. I want people to know especially my African American sisters out there that you are not alone. I am here if you want to talk. you can call me direct 941-567-4470 or hit me up in my email susan_washington@rocketmail.com. Any time of day. It is so important that you realize that tomorrow looks better than the day before and the past is the past. Each day we are given is a gift and if you are feeling so overwhelmed and feel alone please call me I would love to hear from you.

Woke up this morning about 3:02am worried as usual about bills and paying for medicines and just keeping my head afloat. One of the hardest adjustments to having heart failure is being able to support yourself. I am a nursing assistant(non practicing) by trade. That was one of the proudest moments in my life when I completed the program and had graduation. I was going to be one kick-ass nurse. Then, the bottom fell out. I suffered a back injury from having a patient fall on me and we went over in a wheel chair. I wet out on Workman's Comp for over a year. My back has never been the same since. This blog is very therapeutic for allowing me to share my thoughts about how my illness has impacted my life. I had taking to nursing like a duck takes to water. I thought I would always have that. Funny how the plans you make for your life GOD just laughs because that may not be the path that HE has chosen for you. That was my first professional knock down. It was time for round two, so I bu

Just got an email from my attorney today, and we finally have a court date to end my farce of a marriage. One thing it has taught me is to not let my fear of dying be my sole motivation for making bad decision that have the potential to impact my life. Ladies and gentlemen please do your research, I can not stress this enough. There really is no such thing as love at first sight, there is however an undeniable chemistry between two people that can often be mistaken for love. Just meeting someone for the first time you do not know them well enough to make such a profound decision like marriage. People may say that I'm could just be a woman scorned, but I walked right into a burning building when what I should have done was get a fire hose and put out that fire then walk away.

There's an old song from back in the day that says "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you with". I holes in that theory is you should never marry the rebound guy. Simply put the heart wants what it wants and the more you try and force it to do otherwise, nothing ever good comes from it. I married a man who I really didn't know much about after telling him everything there was to know about me. That was mistake 1,2 and 3. He was very secretive about his past and hid behind the "word of God" as a way to justify his rational for doing the things he did.  He walked out of the marriage and it has been a nightmare ever since to end this marriage. Women take your time and really get to know the person before making the lifelong commitment of marriage. If you are not in love with them, please do yourself a favor and just date them for as long as you. Because of those experience and how he has turned on me I will never venture into marriage

I was diagnosed in April of 2009 with Congestive Heart Failure. I was 39 years old. I don't know who cried more, my sister Sandra or me. To be honest. I half expected the doctor to come back with a whole host of things, but never heart failure. My mother has congestive heart failure and she is 70 years old and in frail health. I am severely  overweight at that time I was admitted I weighed in at 407 pounds. That was the biggest I have ever been in my life. The doctor said that my kidneys were shutting down and my heart was only functioning at ten percent. He also said that when they see people who's heart is functioning at ten percent they are dying. I was preparing myself to say goodbye. I called my God-daughter Toni to say goodbye to her and to make her promise not to tell her father, which she did anyway. I asked my sister not to tell anyone with either. I just wanted to go peacefully. It took them 12 hours to get me admitted and they put me up on the cardiac floor. I could