I look at this picture and I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have been in love with this man for almost 30 years now. I have been able to get over when someone I was dealing with has done me wrong, but not this man. He is my Achilles Heel. He always has been. I always had to love him in secret so no one would know. If you have to hide it how can it be love? My love is and was always real for me. But, there was always another woman. I was just one of many. I have prayed so hard and asked GOD to move this man from my heart, but he is still the only man I have been "in love with" there have been men that I loved, but not like this. I have found myself doing things that I never would have allowed if this were me back in the day. He still has the ability to knock me off my axis. I had such a wonderful day, I read my bible and tried so hard to stay prayed up and in one fail swoop when he called me to question me about the email I sent him and I was back in that bad head space. It really surprises me how he can act so oblivious to what I said to him in the email, but that's part of the game with him, he dangles that love hanging low like a carrot on a string and then he snatches it away and goes on about his life as if I don't exist. We never have those deep conversations like most grown up do. I honestly believe that he's afraid of me, and to me he is like Goliath. I surrendered my power a long time ago and I don't know how to get it back. Running away doesn't help and confronting him in person I know I would lose my nerve, so everything comes down to pen and paper. This way I don't lose my nerve or train of thought. What I do know is I'm tired, tired of crying over this man. Tired of comparing other men against the standard. Should never been any woman's ideal. He's not sensitive to the needs of a woman because all he sees is sex. He's not looking for a partner to go through this life, he's just looking for his next big orgasm. If he were an approachable man, we would have hashed this out a long time ago, but he won't let go and for me it's all about closure. I'm about to run again and I can feel it.
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