12 Steps to Recovery
I am back at Day 1. I was so good at resisting him, but when tragedy struck my family he was the first one I wanted to call, to cry on his shoulders, to have him hold me and console me. But to him it was a way to get back in, under my skin. He was always my drug of choice and still the one thing I can not control. I love him and need him, but due to past hurts he will never allow me to be in his life emotionally only the physical connection which was always there was what drew him back in my bed again. I am not strong enough to resist him, so I need to lean on GOD for guidance. I really don't know why this man is in my life, but he has been apart of the fabric of my life for nearly 30 years of which I spent 25 of them loving him and 15 of those years actually being with him.
There were of course those times during those 15 years when we were on hiatus and seeing other people but every single chance I got when I couldn't be with him I ran. This life didn't make sense to me without him in it. I realize this is major dysfunction and I feel at times powerless to stop it. He is as much a part of me as I am a part of him, otherwise he would not continue to be in my life. The guilt and shame I feel sometimes is unbearable. I want to live and prosper the way GOD wants me to do. He says he will never get married, so why am I still sticking around waiting for something to happen that will never happen. I'm gun shy about marriage, but with him if he said marry me. I would not hesitate. I don't why love works the way it does, but it's not working for me. The baby mommas hate me, but none of them really know me or have ever cared to know. I have had car windows broken, graffiti written on my car, to having their kids being told that I was the reason why their mom and dad were not together. I have been lied on that I was coming on their jobs harassing them and I never knew where anyone worked, all my time was spent with him. They hate the fact that their children love me and that's because I have only shown them love. I know there is no relationships anonymous, but if there were. I sure could use a meeting and a sponsor.
There were of course those times during those 15 years when we were on hiatus and seeing other people but every single chance I got when I couldn't be with him I ran. This life didn't make sense to me without him in it. I realize this is major dysfunction and I feel at times powerless to stop it. He is as much a part of me as I am a part of him, otherwise he would not continue to be in my life. The guilt and shame I feel sometimes is unbearable. I want to live and prosper the way GOD wants me to do. He says he will never get married, so why am I still sticking around waiting for something to happen that will never happen. I'm gun shy about marriage, but with him if he said marry me. I would not hesitate. I don't why love works the way it does, but it's not working for me. The baby mommas hate me, but none of them really know me or have ever cared to know. I have had car windows broken, graffiti written on my car, to having their kids being told that I was the reason why their mom and dad were not together. I have been lied on that I was coming on their jobs harassing them and I never knew where anyone worked, all my time was spent with him. They hate the fact that their children love me and that's because I have only shown them love. I know there is no relationships anonymous, but if there were. I sure could use a meeting and a sponsor.
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