The Seven Stages of Grieving
Today as I sat in my information session at Vocational Rehab I realized some "personal truths' about myself.
At first it was hard to identify, but I knew at some point that I would have to look in the mirror and see it for exactly what it was. I have been going through the seven stages of the grieving process over the life that I felt I was being denied. With my heart-failure I have gone through the shock and denial that I was going to recover from this illness. The pain and guilt I had for letting go who I perceived to be the love of my life because I did not want him to leave me, I new deep down he would never be able to deal with my illness. Then came the anger and bargaining with GOD to please heal my heart so I could go back to work and finish my nursing degree and have the family I always wanted. Then the depression and reflection over the things I may have done that lead to my heart failure from the drinking, smoking and partying and just being on auto-pilot for 13 years when I was "in the party zone" and felt invincible. When you're 18 and then 21 and can legally party it's "game on" you never once think about your life ending. Then after the first year has gone by and you have lived in utter fear that the littlest thing you did would kill you, and believe me I went from zero to 60 with the "what if" scenarios over and over. Going to vocational rehab was my upward turn. I don't really know why it's so hard for me to accept that I won't be going back out in the workforce in the capacity that I was. I loved my job at Envera. I remember when they were still drilling holes in the wall and Jeff was screwing in light fixtures. I watched it be born and I was apart of the baby steps the company was taken and then, the bottom fell out. I am hoping with this program they will be able to assist me in going back out in the work force in some capacity. I know GOD is the ultimate MD and he has the final say over my life.
At first it was hard to identify, but I knew at some point that I would have to look in the mirror and see it for exactly what it was. I have been going through the seven stages of the grieving process over the life that I felt I was being denied. With my heart-failure I have gone through the shock and denial that I was going to recover from this illness. The pain and guilt I had for letting go who I perceived to be the love of my life because I did not want him to leave me, I new deep down he would never be able to deal with my illness. Then came the anger and bargaining with GOD to please heal my heart so I could go back to work and finish my nursing degree and have the family I always wanted. Then the depression and reflection over the things I may have done that lead to my heart failure from the drinking, smoking and partying and just being on auto-pilot for 13 years when I was "in the party zone" and felt invincible. When you're 18 and then 21 and can legally party it's "game on" you never once think about your life ending. Then after the first year has gone by and you have lived in utter fear that the littlest thing you did would kill you, and believe me I went from zero to 60 with the "what if" scenarios over and over. Going to vocational rehab was my upward turn. I don't really know why it's so hard for me to accept that I won't be going back out in the workforce in the capacity that I was. I loved my job at Envera. I remember when they were still drilling holes in the wall and Jeff was screwing in light fixtures. I watched it be born and I was apart of the baby steps the company was taken and then, the bottom fell out. I am hoping with this program they will be able to assist me in going back out in the work force in some capacity. I know GOD is the ultimate MD and he has the final say over my life.
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