Sometimes bearing your soul to the one person you are the most vulnerable to can be a release of their hold on you, or you start to finally see them in a whole new light. I see them for who they are and in doing so I realized they will never see me, the true me, the one that love unconditionally, but can't get that same love in return. I said that my illness was both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because GOD spared my life and I no longer get upset and internalize why I could never measure up to his ideal woman, The long flowing natural hair, big girl, with no stomach and tall. I tried, I really tried to be that woman. I was growing out my hair until the illness happened and the medication started making it fall out. I tried working out until, the illness and the doctors said I couldn't anymore at least not the kind I was doing and was giving me the emotional support I needed. I love him and I always will, but I no longer have the desire to be with him romantically because my medication causes sexual side effects and sex is a very important thing to him, it's what connected us on a primal level and it is what ultimately destroyed us. He wasn't going to be faithful and I was at the end of my giving. For me it was why should I give you what you need and you can't even acknowledging me. I can and won't compromise my love nor give it so freely to a person who isn't deserving of my love. My whole life was centered on this one man. Oh sure, I dated other men and women, but they could never feel that ache and longing for him. Then I had an epiphany. I was looking for a man who loved me like no other and would place my feelings above their own, and as it turns out I had it all the time and it was mine for the asking. GOD loves me like no other, he always has my back when others rise up against me, HE keeps me out of harms way, even self inflicted harm and he promised my soul salvation if I chose to follow him, and I do. I am still an infant growing in the Secret Things Of GOD, but I know HE watches me. It's not meant for me to know why my niece died or why I am living with this disease, but I know that I want to have my name written in the lambs book of life when this psychical life is over.
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