The Face of Heart Failure

Sometimes bearing your soul to the one person you are the most vulnerable to can be a release of their hold on you, or you start to finally see them in a whole new light. I see them for who they are and in doing so I realized they will never see me, the true me, the one that love unconditionally, but can't get that same love in return. I said that my illness was both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because GOD spared my life and I no longer get upset and internalize why I could never measure up to his ideal woman, The long flowing natural hair, big girl, with no stomach and tall. I tried, I really tried to be that woman. I was growing out my hair until the illness happened and the medication started making it fall out. I tried working out until, the illness and the doctors said I couldn't anymore at least not the kind I was doing and was giving me the emotional support I needed. I love him and I always will, but I no longer have the desire to be with him romanticall

Dealing with the tremendous loss of my niece has had so many emotions swirling around my head. I was in such despair of Shannon's murder that all I wanted to do was go where she was, so I could watch over my daddy, my nephew Sam and Shannon. I knew all I had to do was just not take my heart medication and the pain would be over soon. I would not have to worry about this world and all the bad things in it. I had to get out of that head space, GOD gave me a second chance in more ways than one. I had to tell Shannon's story. From not just my own perspective, but from the people around her who were willing to share their stories with me. I owed her that to finish what I started for her. As hurt as I am, this is NOT MY LIFE, GOD gave it to me and it is HIS WILL and time frame that he will call me home. I re-read the most beautiful and touching letter from a young woman who did not have much time with Shannon, but she loved her enough for this lifetime and she promised to see her in

I have to take measures into my own hands. I looked at a picture of myself that was taken at my nieces re-past over the weekend and I was shocked at how I looked. I realize because of not having insurance its pretty limited what the my health department doctor can do for me as far a nutritionist and a personal trainer. I have to be pro-active in my own recovery. Walking is an issue and I don't have my walker anymore right now. I have to make some major changes. I'm 42 now and I don't want to keep looking like this. I need to get out of this chair.

I haven't talked about heart failure in a minute because I have been dealing with the loss of my niece Shannon. Her life was so pull of potential. I saw so much of her tenacity in myself. If I was bound and determined to do something I was just going to do and damn what anybody had to say. I loved drinking, smoking and partying. I was wrecking my body in the long run, I may have very set the stage for what has happened to me so I accept the part I played in my own life. Oh, I'm sure genetics played a role too, but I wonder how much of my mother's heart failure was due to years and years of abuse to her own body. I don't know if I will really ever have the answers for why any of this happened to me. It's harder now to lose the weight. I can no longer take supplements to help. Buying anything over the counter could have serious repercussions for me. I am not allowed to do the things that I feel are beneficial to me, but going against why my doctor tells me is also the

There are so many things swirling through my mind. I really think I had an out of body experience yesterday at my nieces home-going service. When the crowd disbursed I didn't want to leave her there by herself. Needless to say I had to be helped back to my friends truck. It was while I was at the truck my heart began pounding so fast. I felt like I was floating up above my own body and I could hear the screaming and wailing and I could see them lowering her into the ground I think it was then that I lost it completely. I could see the back of my head and it was then that I realized it was me. I literally had left  my body. I could not catch my breath and it was like a scene from a movie when someone is so distraught that the words and sound escape their bodies and they have traveled up and out. My sister says all she wants now is justice for her daughter. I want the GOD to avenge Shannon. I also have to pray to GOD to ask me to find the strength to forgive. This is the hard road th

Today was the home-going for my late niece Shannon Simone Washington. I was so amazed at how many people supported her and loved her. She was beautiful soul. I won't post much today. Very tired from all the crying and just want to lay down. My heart is so heavy. I take comfort in knowing she is in a better place. The selfishness in me wants to keep her here, but GOD's will was that she be with him. Keep reaching lady baller.

As the days still pass by I can't help but to keep wondering why my niece's life is over, her work was just beginning. I think of how reckless and carefree I was with my own life putting myself into situations that many told me were no good for me, but I was headstrong and willful and nobody was going to tell me how to live my life and who to be with. My family is grieving for yet another child lost to us and it made me look over my life and the decisions I made when I was younger would  make up what my life is today. I took for granted that I would have children of my own, but now because of poor health it is not a possibility for me. When I was younger I felt invincible but when GOD showed me his true power I could only weep over the life he gave me how much of it I squandered being foolish and thinking I had all the time in the world. My sister Chapelle had four daughters and each one reminded me of myself at different stages. I saw so much of myself in Shannon, that drive t

TODAY MY NIECE SHANNON WASHINGTON WAS MURDERED. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW UPSET MY FAMILY IS. MY NIECE HAD A PROMISING CAREER AS A STUDENT ATHLETE AT FAMU. PLEASE PRAY FOR MY FAMILY TO FIND UNDERSTANDING IN THIS SENSELESS KILLING. SHANNON SIMONE WASHINGTON 1991-2011 "LADY BALLER"

I spent some much needed time with my family and did a lot of reflecting on my life and how some real reckless decisions altered my life in a major way. For years I allowed myself to be the other women in a man's life. Oftentimes without my knowledge. My sister once asked me why did I put up with such behavior, and my responsive to her was often on the defensive to protect what I thought was mine only to find out later that I like so many others was one of many. Never would be given the title of wife or girlfriend, but when you were angry and needed a shoulder to lean on or to buy the kids birthday gifts and let you sign the card like you were the one who had gotten them the gift, and received no thanks or accolades from the other party because I could not see the look on their face when they opened MY birthday gift or MY Christmas gift......no it was not my place......I was the other woman. I put up with the jealous antics when one child that was so close to you said to you, She i