The Face of Heart Failure

Yet another night where I cannot get to sleep. I know it's nothing but the devil trying to distract me. There are so many things on the horizon, that to say I feel overwhelmed and lost is an understatement. I have had three procedures on my spine to relieve the low back pain, but it's back. I can walk around my apartment, but standing still makes me dizzy. I attribute it to my being lower to the ground in the electric chair. From where I sat my center of gravity wasn't so bad, but as I stated before, standing still makes me dizzy and I feel as if I will fall again. When I had the radio frequency done on Tuesday, I expected to be completely pain-free, sore from the procedure for a few days, but when I attempted to make dinner, it was less than five minutes in when the pain in  my hips and low back came back and I had to sit down for the throbbing to stop. I have been in constant pain the majority of my life. All of the women in my mother's family have some form of...

Since being on all of the medications, I don't feel the desire of any kind to be intimate with a man. For me, that is a good thing I guess. I have been married to my second husband for all of a year and thirteen months and out of those thirteen months, we have lived separately. I have not made the best choices when it has come to be in a relationship. I tend to dive in head first and then pull back when I see a man behaving the way another one did. If I truly stop to look at all of it from an unbiased point of view that the common thread in each of the relationships was me. I dated the same person over and over trying to see if they would become the person I truly wanted to be with. It's like finally getting to meet your favorite actor or actress only to discover that they aren't so great in real life. I seem to attract the type of men who always wanted to "lock" me down early on and that seems to lead to disaster later on. I have the tendency to have the fe...

I really struggled with November 9th. Not only is it my father's birthday, but also the birthday of my late boyfriend. How I wish things had turned out differently between Timothy and me, but the universe did not foresee us having a lasting life together. It was young and impetuous with no clear goals; what teenager is expected to have their lives figured out at fourteen and fifteen respectively? No, the better thought should be at least for me is to stop trying to plan  my life and actually live my life. I spend so much of my time trying to go back and fix my mistakes, that I forget why things happened in the first place. I think maybe, it's because in my mind if I can somehow make it better it would change the outcome. I know that everyone comes to that fork in the road where they can choose to take one path or the other, however, you choose there is a consequence of each action or inaction that you choose some decisions you make right or wrong the only thing for sure is t...

I recently lost my disability appeal and had to apply for the decision to be rescinded. I have had no income to support myself since April of 2016. I feel like I am going up against Goliath. They are burying me in mountains of paperwork and asking me the same questions over and over again. The only thing that helps is working with my physical therapist. I finally have a new therapist who is actually the sister of one of my childhood friends. I am just trying to get better. I found a general surgeon who will perform my hernia surgery, but I have to get enough of the weight off of me to make sure that it's safer and I won't have any complications. I just want to stop looking like I am going to give birth at any moment. It's as if unless you are elderly or have a gang of children you can get help, but someone like me, or in my situation has to fight tooth and nail to receive help in a timely manner. Because of so many people like patients, doctors and nurses defrauding fo...

This has been the first writings in about 7 months. I am still attempting to get my bearings about the direction of where my life is going. I was devastated to have to leave school and not be able to use my diplomas or my degrees. I had gone through all of the hard work to complete all of my requirements, only to be shut out of what is rightfully mine. It simply all boiled down to money. The way the school is set up you are supposed to graduate debt-free, however not may people can pay off their tuition like that in one sitting otherwise, they would be at a major university. I don't even go to my school's website since I had to withdraw from school, it is simply too painful to see others get ready for graduation. I have already had that privilege, but I just want to be able to use my degree and my diplomas and sit for my exams. I know that my FATHER will make this situation right for me one way or the other.

Dr. Mya Angelou once said that if you don't like something, then change it, and if you can't change it, change your attitude about it. There is always an internal struggle within me. I have never been the type to see things as the glass is half empty, I have always looked at things as more of a challenge and get it done. Since I have been that type of person who needs to be hyper-focused on whatever task I was on due to not having a long attention span for things that did not captivate me, distractions where very upsetting to me, even though I am a highly adaptable person, but then other side of my personality takes on the stance of "what now?!" I never wanted to be a fat girl, but a fat girl is what I am. Then that fat girl became an OBESE woman. This was hard for me to take.Dealing with my chronic illnesses makes staying motivated to exercise that much more of a challenge, as some days it's all I can do just to get out of bed. One thing is for certain, I have...

Writing about the things that have happened in my life were very important to me. Trying for years to make sense out of things and process the pain that I was going  through. I have been in therapy for years, trying to undo some of that damage, but what I found out about myself is the more I healed, the less I wrote and then, that too became troubling to me. Writing was the way I coped except for being an emotional eater, and that was not good for my health. I struggle still each day with. I have to find a better outlet for my binge eating and the things that stress me to the point that I over eat. I have diabetic neuropathy which causes this pins and needle sensation all through my feet and hands and  makes walking hard and the bad back as well. Exercise is supposed to help with it, but when you are so unsure of what your body will respond to is frightening. This is the only body I have and I have to work really hard to make sure it's running right. I am making sure that ...