The Face of Heart Failure

Writing about the things that have happened in my life were very important to me. Trying for years to make sense out of things and process the pain that I was going  through. I have been in therapy for years, trying to undo some of that damage, but what I found out about myself is the more I healed, the less I wrote and then, that too became troubling to me. Writing was the way I coped except for being an emotional eater, and that was not good for my health. I struggle still each day with. I have to find a better outlet for my binge eating and the things that stress me to the point that I over eat. I have diabetic neuropathy which causes this pins and needle sensation all through my feet and hands and  makes walking hard and the bad back as well. Exercise is supposed to help with it, but when you are so unsure of what your body will respond to is frightening. This is the only body I have and I have to work really hard to make sure it's running right. I am making sure that ...

There comes that time in your life that you realize that sometimes the timing is just off. You get caught up in the moment, but that still small voice says, not yet, please don't do this right now. Of course, you want to be willful and do it any way; sometimes the cost of doing that is too much, sometimes in doing so, you end up worse off than when you started. What is the old saying, people who don't learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them? People's perception of me stems from how I was, NOT who I am today. a hot-headed teenager and young adult is not my focus anymore. Health wise, me getting upset and angry has a very negative impact on my body. I stressed myself so about my disability hearing that was earlier this month, that I started smoking again. Yikes! 15 years down the drain, BUT I am hopeful that I can quit again. I WILL quit again, my health depends on it. Now that I am back in school, I still find it difficult to juggle being in a relationship. I ...

I was not looking for him. He found me. I am scared to say things to him for fear it may be too soon. He has actively pursued me, even when I have done my best to push him away. I vowed that after my ex-husband that I would not subject my family to another man that had come into my life.  The bible speaks that when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing. I want this relationship to be different and more meaningful. It's amazing that a man traveled clear around the world to find me. It is my sincere hope that I have found the other half of my heart in him. With all things considered. It would be amazing if this was that last time I fell in love. I am giving the him a chance, the same way I am giving us  a chance. I want to keep God in front of us and behind us and all around us.  I hope he is up for challenge of taking this ride with me. Maybe he will prevail where other's were  too weak and maybe he will be the last one.

When I first came home from the hospital, I would sleep and would awake and not remember having a dream. I have always had a vivid active imagination, but to have a dreamless sleep was very unusual, and for a person like me, almost frightening. I thought I was losing that unique thing that made me me, my creativity. In 2012 when my ex-fiancee attacked me and was both emotionally and physically abusive, my whole world became a constant endless stream of nightmares. Some I would share, and others I would not, for the simple fact that they disturbed me so that I simply could not speak about them. My anxiety and depression is so bad that I have been diagnosed with PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder). I am transparent and both my doctor and my therapist is helping me to regain my life back. Last night was the first time that I had a dreamless sleep. It was nice to sleep and not have anything there. I cannot not change what happened to me, but by the Grace of God, I am still here and ...

Losing our mother was to me, the last link to my Grandparents on my mother's side. Fortunately I was able to locate my extended family and it was like all of them who had gone on before us was giving back to us.

What do you do when it seems like there are bits and pieces of you breaking off of your life and floating away? I came to my sisters house to have my computer worked on and I spend time with family,but my spirit is so restless right now.

Between 1988 and 1990 I was truly a lost young woman with no clear direction I had for my life. That was until I put on my first nursing uniform. I remember how proud I felt to be wearing that white dress, the silk pantyhose and that badge with my name on it and my white leather nursing shoes. I wore my uniform with pride and a sense of accomplishment. It was mine, all mine and no one could take those skills away from me once I had learned them. I loved every aspect of being a nursing assistant. I wanted to be a pediatric nurse practitioner. That was MY PLAN, but that's not what happened. In 1991 I had a back injury that derailed my nursing career. Let's face it, in nursing your livelihood depends on you being able to use your knees, feet, back and hands and my back injury sat me down for over a year. I would never be the same again. I made several attempts to go back to nursing on a full time basis, but my back was shot and my body was well on its way to morphing into somet...