The Face of Heart Failure

People make plans and GOD just laughs........sigh.

Til Death, Us Do Part.....In Sickness and Health.....For Richer, For Poorer.....Forsaking All Others......Those are the most powerful statements you can utter to another person. To stand up and make a declaration to another person that you( vow), a sacred promise to them that you will love and care for them when the going gets rough, when your struggles together threaten the very foundation you two have built together, for any person to thrive in this world each of us needs to feel safe and secure in our surroundings. Oftentimes we fall short of the expectations we have about our significant other. This person is sharing your air and your space and time with the person you have vowed to love for life.....that's deep and both depressing as well as profound in the sense that you come in this world by your self, but we as humans need that interaction we thrive the most when we feel love and comfort, some of us have become so desensitized that we withhold our love and affections from t

Sewing your oats.....let him be a man.....I'm a man, I'm going to look......blah, blah, blah......these are clear excuses for a man who wants to fool around and still have you there. Classic "cake and eat it too" mentality of the average man. As fragile as his ego is and some men have a "Super Ego" he can not fathom or even comprehend the devastation that he leaves in his wake when he treats a woman as disposable to him and his cause of notch making and dap-getting or hi-fiving bullshit from a man who is so used to having more than one woman at a time, it is simple behavior to him, but breaking it down, you know it's a defense mechanism to protect those fragile men who will not only not let you all the way, but will stand outside and help throw rocks at you saying "go away", but stay close, I want you when I need you and not before. Almost like the unwritten code between men, that women were only to speak when spoken to and most certainly not w

There comes a time when one person has to stop talking and listen. It's hard to do when the both of you want to be heard, but no one wants to stop talking long enough to listen. That speaks volumes.

As I write this entry with tear stained eyes, I know what I have to do. It's been brewing for such a long time and staring me in the face for weeks. As much as I love him I have to let go of him. I live in constant fear that he will come to me and say that this isn't working for him and that he has found someone else. That same fear is making me do things that I normally wouldn't do. All the lines have been blurred and there are no more boundaries with us. I fear that if I say no he will react badly or once again tell me how replaceable I am in his life. I wanted so badly to be his wife, but me wanting it doesn't make it so. He doesn't trust me and never will. He is expecting me to be OK with what ever it is he tells me, when in reality I am dying a little bit more each and every day. I don't think he has ever seen a loving and stable relationship or a truly committed one, so since he doesn't have the blueprint, the foundation will never withstand the storm.

There are times when you have to take stock in where you were a year ago to where you are now in your life and the choices you have made along the way.  A year ago I was in a wheelchair, a year ago I had no hope, a year ago I was on an emotional roller-coaster trying to end a very tumultuous marriage to a man who I should have never married in the first place. I am weary I will admit to the the things that are going on around me. I know worry is a sin, that's telling GOD I don't trust him to do his best by me. That could not be farther from the truth. What I do know is that whenever I am trying to fix things on my own it always goes awry I tend to get in over my head. It's like running towards a burning fire drenched in gasoline holding a match, this is a powder keg.  

Last night we almost lost each other all based on a failure to communicate with one another. He is the other half of my beating heart, and yet; I felt farther away from him than I have ever felt. He was hurting, I was hurting and those loving feelings were beginning to wane from one another. I wanted those longing looks we would give each other, you know, that knowing, the desire, the unspoken language of love and mutual respect that we had for one another. He is my best friend and I wanted desperately to be his again, but when one has shut down emotionally, the other is faced with the dilemma should I stay or should I go and the fact that my blind eye was making him feel unwanted when all I ever wanted was him and our life together, but I had to almost lose him for me to see just how important he is to me and for that I will never take my husband for granted. I will be very vocal about the way I love him, not only through my words, but my actions, I will always communicate and defer t

I have been in a rather perplexing mood today. Have not been feeling my best. Trying to figure out still where I fit into my fiancee's life. I often want to ask him just what kind of value do I bring to his life? Where do I fit into his grand scheme of things. I would love to have some uninterrupted time with him, where there are no phones ringing and we are just enjoying each others company. I feel like I often have to take a back seat to other people in his life that mean more to him than I do. I just feel really neglected by him and it's making me wonder is this what I have to look forward to in being his wife. He says he doesn't want to take me around those rough characters he runs with and he knows I can't be out in the hot sun like that, he also said that it doesn't look good to have his woman around all those men, but to me I really wouldn't care as long as I was with him. There are times when I just want to quietly walk right out of my life and start ove

There are times when you ask yourself the hard questions when you're in a relationship, like am I doing the right thing or is it really worth saving, am I really what's best for them? Those are the questions you ask yourself day in and day out are you an enhancement or a hindrance to their life. I wonder these things daily about my soon to be husband Alexzander. I wonder about the decision he's making when he asked me to marry him 3 months ago. The nay-Sayers offer their opinions about why were are "moving" too fast to marry, but it's not like that for he and I, we have history together. Our paths have been crossing for the past two decades and even though he infuriates me. I love that man so much until it physically hurts sometimes to be apart from him or be at odds with him. He really is the other half of my heart.

I asked GOD for the love and respect of a good man, and he brought Alexzander back to my life. Sometimes a love has to leave you and be set free, so that when it comes again you will be ready for it. Yes there have been many days where the relationship has been tested, but anything worth having takes work and commitment. I am committed to this relationship now more than ever. I hope to welcome an addition to our love and devotion to each other. God has already answered every prayer I have ever asked him for so I know he hears me. He is just getting me ready to receive it.

I am such a blessed child of the most High God. He is restoring me more and more everyday. I have to give him praise because without him, I would not be writing about my testimony today. He renews my faith in all that he has given me.

What's sexy to me is when your man eases up behind you when you're making him breakfast and he says you're very sexy to him with no make up on, you're in a t-shirt and shorts and and he says you are the most beautiful woman to him, he makes you feel sexy because you are a big girl and that's what he likes, he sees other women checking him out when you're shopping and turn around and kiss you so passionately letting the world know you are his lady or he calls you up in the middle of his day because the very though of you turns him on.....that's priceless

She left as swiftly as she came into this world. My niece Sheeleyah Imani  was born May 17th, 2012, She never cried, never opened her beautiful eyes, and she will never know the pain her mother suffered to have her. We never knew she was coming, so we were not prepared for her arrival. We are devastated by this loss and my sister is in a pain I never could endure. That beautiful little creature drifted in and out of our lives, but we will forever be blessed to know her. I will always wonder if she will have our smart-ass mouth or her mother's fashion sense or my stubborness or her Auntie Sandra's love of math, or would she have been able to throw down in the kitchen like her Auntie Chapelle. We will never help her get ready for homecoming or her first date or prom and her mother will never be able to walk her down the aisle or her father during the first dance, but one thing she will feel as her spirit has gone up and out, is that she was loved.

There aren't many times in my life when I find some remarkable people that pass my way, but my sisters are some of those few remarkable people. I used to envy my oldest sister Chapelle and at times hated being compared to her in school, but she has buried two beautiful children and she still manages to put a smile on her face. My sister Sandra has been trotting through her life getting knocked down continuously, but she still manages to get back up. My baby sister Samantha finally realized that we, her sisters would always have her back and she finally apologized to us for acting the way she has been all these years. Even the men in my life who came to hurt me, taught me to value myself more and to put me in the number one position. If I had never encountered these people I never would have learned those lessons.

For three years I suffered in silence. I smiled and grinned and bared it and still continued to see you, even though I knew what you had done to me, and I know you had to know because that's what you do. What I got for my pain was to become a statistic, that was the price of loving you. Everything we did in secret will now be my cross to bear. I felt dirty for years would not allow another to embrace me because you had imprinted on me for good. I would never belong to another, because you made sure that I would always belong to you. How dare you abuse the gift of love that I gave you, how dare you dangle your love in front of me only to snatch it away. I never would confront you because of what happened because you would find a way to blame me for it. But in those three years I learned what I wanted more than anything and that was God's forgiveness; so I had to forgive YOU for myself. I no longer carry the burden or the shame. No matter what you tried to do even when you said

Therapy is a much needed tool when life is coming at you from all sides. I have a wonderful earthbound therapist. Dr. James Benedick. God pointed me in his direction, and he brought to the surface so many things that I had long since buried and thought I had dealt with. I urge anyone who is having some major life trauma talk to someone your clergy or a real trained professional or GOD he doesn't charge by the hour and is always there day or night.

I am assuming this is my season to fight. They found a mass in my left breast. I have been having these mini freak out since I saw it. Even Stevie Wonder could see it. I haven't felt any hardening or knots in my breasts so for it to show up has really sent me reeling. I have to wait for a week and then will see my doctor to see what course of action to take and then there is my cardiologist who wants to put in the defibrillator and I have to follow up with a GYN to see what they are going to do about my cycle lasting so long I just have to pray and stay positive.

My new cardiologist  wants to put a defibrillator in me to help with my heart function. I am so scared of this whole process, but I know it's to help me live longer and to give the doctor notice when my heart  goes into stress. I will continue to fight for as long as I can.

Sometimes you have to be reminded of how blessed you are with the little things. Yes I am in constant pain, and because of the heart failure it takes me longer to do something and walking isn't so easy, but I am reminded of how blessed I am. I may need o use my wheelchair or my scooter more or my walker more, but I DO have the option. Some people will never walk again or have ever taken a step. I am humbled and grateful for being able to STILL walk and I needed to slow down anyway. THANK GOD AND PRAISE HIM FOR EVERY STEP AND BREATH YOU TAKE.

Life is going on all around you whether you choose to deal with it or not. Accept each day for the blessing that it is and get on with it.

Kind of got lost in why I began this blog. I wanted it to be about how I am dealing with this chronic illness and all that comes along with it. The more I wrote it started to morph into something other than what I had intended. I have been completely out of sorts since I got out of the hospital. No matter how many times I may think that I am on the mend, something happens and I am reminded of what my life is like now. I will try and do something and then I will start to get winded or try to stand at my stove to cook something and my back will start to have a spasm and then I'll have to reach for my chair to sit down again or use my walker if I just want to go for a walk or use my electric scooter when I am going for a long distance. I know just being alive longer than doctors said I would be is a miracle in and of itself. I also am reminded of the fact because people can't see my illness it's not real to them, so I may have to ask you to slow down or give me a minute to c

I woke up this morning with a phone call from my God-baby. We had a short brief chat and I came away from it with the conclusion is that we as women put ourselves in situations we don't have to be in when it comes to a man. WE ARE BUSY JUMPING UP AND DOWN GOING "PICK ME!, PICK ME". We have a gift and to recognize that gift gives US the power. Wars have been waged over it, friendships and families have been divided over the beguiling ways of a woman. She is loving when she wants to be, conniving when she has to be and treacherous when she has been scorned. It takes a lot for a woman to give herself to a man, some do it with dignity and gracefulness, but the game is still the same. Like with a peacock show. We are in such deep competition with each other that we would murder just to be loved by someone, but if you can't love yourself and respect who you are as a woman then neither will he. People have forgotten the natural order of things, the

My momma has NEVER HAD TO QUESTION who MY DADDY was, he knows me inside out and he loves me beyond measure. He Gave me a WONDERFUL EARTHBOUND FATHER TO COME THROUGH. She insisted on using protection, because she was "done" having kids after my oldest sister was born, BUT MY DADDY said, no honey I got a few more for you. There would have been 6 of us, but MY DADDY needed the other two. HE KNOWS WHY I AM THE WAY THAT I AM, HE KNOWS HOW MANY HAIRS ARE ON MY HEAD, he knows how many years I'm supposed to be here. Every quirky thing about me, that may drive other people up the wall MY DADDY knows why I do them. My DADDY HAS A LOT OF KIDS, SOME OF US ARE SUPER GOOD AND SOME OF US ARE SUPER BAD, BUT BECAUSE HE'S MY DADDY HE TAKES CARE OF EACH ONE OF HIS KIDS WITHOUT BEING TOLD TO DO SO. He doesn't worry about HIS BABIES Momma's trying to keep us from him or run game on him and CHILD SUPPORT IS NEVER AN ISSUE, because MY DADDY IS ALWAYS RIGHT ON TIME WI

I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy and in the few minutes the show aired. They were in the middle of a heart transplant surgery when the waiting patient coded and died. I had an emotional breakdown because it hit home for me that while GOD gave me a second chance, my niece's life is over. I cried and I wept at the thought of all of it. I haven't done much with my life, but I am trying to to use this second chance to my advantage. I hope to have Shannon's book completed by the end of the year, it's so hard to write about her and not have these emotional pangs of grief for her. She did more in her short 20 years than I have ever done in the 42 years I have been alive. I really admire that about her. I look back at my life through a second glance and realize that as long as GOD let's me, I will tell her story the best way that I know how. with love and honesty. FAMU is dedicating their season to Shannon and I really wish I could be there. I mi

We've all been there.....you know what I mean we have either had them, been them or used them. Pinch hitters. The one that gets that "stand in" call when they want to use you or or body. We women compete so much for one man, but what would happen if we said no? Oh sure there would be another one, always will be, but you have to decide is you want to OWN THE TEAM, or PLAY ON THE TEAM, or GET TRADED BY THE TEAM, either way it's all about choices. The choice has always been yours as a woman. Men learned how to play these games from US we perfected the ART of seduction. A man can love you and you can make him so mad that he leaves you and finds a pinch hitter, that is until YOU start acting the way HE thinks you should instead of THE WAY YOU REALLY ARE. It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize that you are a pinch hitter, but it's even better when you understand that you can always forfeit the game.

I stepped away from my blog to try and process some issues that I have been dealing with. I know my doctors are only here to help me, and it is my own fear and insecurities that keep me in panic mode. I have been afraid to get close to a man because of past hurts and because I am still seeking acceptance from two very important people in my life and those very two people will never approve of me or apologize for the wrong they have done. I know I have to let go of the past and that some people are not going to apologize or feel like they did anything wrong, there lies my conundrum.

My FATHER IS MOVING MOUNTAINS.....I tried for several months to get my scooter. I didn't  really think I was ready for the power chair, but that's what The Scooter Store was trying to  push me into. My doctor was dragging his feet about my evaluation and I had to have PT  evaluate me for medicare to pay for it. GOD SHOWED UP AND SHOWED OUT. I told the  woman to just leave it alone. WELL I just got the call I don't have to pay a dime and they are  sending it Friday. GOD WILL MOVE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF YOUR WAY JUST ASK HIM.

When I walked into the ER at Sarasota Memorial Hospital I thought I would have a routine visit and be discharged and sent home. In the matter of four hours I was in a fight for my life. I was so severely anemic that I needed to have a blood transfusion. I immediately went to pieces, so much so that I had to be sedated. I had managed to stay out of the hospital for three years but I was in more trouble than I knew.  When Dr. Hahn came in to speak with me he was trying to reassure me, but I would not be consoled. I was just a complete and utter basket-case. Transfusion what the hell??? Dr. Yasmeen Naeem came in to speak with me and she told me I would have to be admitted for the transfusion. She assured me that I needed to have the blood to try and get better. She asked me about my menstrual cycle and how I was feeling. I have always had long periods but what has been happening to me is most women shed their lining but I have not been shedding mine and if my weight fluctuates more than 5

I have come to the conclusion that I am a solitary person. Oh sure, I get lonely, but I like the pleasure of my own company because there is one thing for sure, I won't let myself down.