Kind of got lost in why I began this blog. I wanted it to be about how I am dealing with this chronic illness and all that comes along with it. The more I wrote it started to morph into something other than what I had intended. I have been completely out of sorts since I got out of the hospital. No matter how many times I may think that I am on the mend, something happens and I am reminded of what my life is like now. I will try and do something and then I will start to get winded or try to stand at my stove to cook something and my back will start to have a spasm and then I'll have to reach for my chair to sit down again or use my walker if I just want to go for a walk or use my electric scooter when I am going for a long distance. I know just being alive longer than doctors said I would be is a miracle in and of itself. I also am reminded of the fact because people can't see my illness it's not real to them, so I may have to ask you to slow down or give me a minute to catch my breath or don't walk so fast, but the humbling thing is that I remember when I was that speed walker and my sister used to asked me to slow down, but I have always lived my life in a hurry because I thought if I stopped and slowed down all the pain I feel would overtake me both physically and emotionally and GOD still has a way of getting your attention to make you slow down. I used to take 22 medications daily just for survival and the side effects have been numerous. Spent $4000.00 on braces and because of medication I had to take one of the side effects was tooth loss. My hair was once long I had worked really hard to get it to grow and now it comes out in clumps because of the medications. I have a menstrual cycle that comes twice a month, my body is all out of whack, but the alternative is to not be here. I pray each and everyday for guidance and understanding. I know GOD is listening because I am still here. I have had less hospital stays than the average person with heart failure and for that I am eternally grateful. I also have a wonderful support system my neighbor Barbara Smoker was and is truly a God-send to me. She checks on me and she talks me down from the ledge when life gets to be too much for me and she allows me to vent and doesn't pass any judgements and I feel safe in her surroundings. It wasn't always that way either, she tried being friends with me, but I as usual resisted getting to know anyone here in the complex. She didn't push, she; she let me come to her on my own and we are friends, I can tell her anything and she will just quietly listen and she will offer her advice, but she knows the ultimate decision is mine and I just love her for being there.
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