Letting Go and Holding On For Dear Life

As I write this entry with tear stained eyes, I know what I have to do. It's been brewing for such a long time and staring me in the face for weeks. As much as I love him I have to let go of him. I live in constant fear that he will come to me and say that this isn't working for him and that he has found someone else. That same fear is making me do things that I normally wouldn't do. All the lines have been blurred and there are no more boundaries with us. I fear that if I say no he will react badly or once again tell me how replaceable I am in his life. I wanted so badly to be his wife, but me wanting it doesn't make it so. He doesn't trust me and never will. He is expecting me to be OK with what ever it is he tells me, when in reality I am dying a little bit more each and every day. I don't think he has ever seen a loving and stable relationship or a truly committed one, so since he doesn't have the blueprint, the foundation will never withstand the storm. I am not wrong for wanting a faithful man especially if I am going to be a faithful woman. If I try and present my side of it, I'm sure this will provoke yet another argument where he will most definitely say he's leaving. He says that to me almost every week, if it's so easy for him to say he will eventually act on those threats, and that's just what I take them to be threats. I can't enjoy being in the relationship because it is so fractured.Then there is the epiphany that comes to me and says get in there, don't give up, you have been fighting bigger battles than this, don't give another woman reason to take him from you or give him reasons for wanting to go. My love for him is the same day in and day out, but it's because I love him so much that I would rather see him happy than miserable. How do I rekindle what was so beautiful in the beginning back there. I want to keep his focus on me and I know there is work I need to do for myself to feel whole again. Loving him is not the problem trying to ward off all outside forces is always ever present, He is my future as well as my past and present. I have waited a nearly generation to love him again.