The Face of Heart Failure

I haven't had a panic attack in nearly a year. Last night was a bad one. I went to bed relatively early for me, when I awoke in the middle of the night feeling as if I could catch my breath, it scared me so bad that feeling which triggered the panic attack. Since the death of my niece I have been baracading myself in my room at night which is something I did not used to do. I always slept with the door open, but as of late this is how it's been. I remember when I was diagnosed with my panic disorder I was instructed to avoid stimulating triggers, smoking, coffee anything with caffeine in it and chocolate, those were my triggers when I was overly stimulated, if you have never had a panic attack you wouldn't know what I deal with when it happens. It can last from a few minutes to as long as a day and I'm powerless to stop them from happening, then it dawned on me. I have been spending a lot of time up at my cousins and have had my fair share of sugary drinks which is some

I woke up this morning with a phone call from my God-baby. We had a short brief chat and I came away from it with the conclusion is that we as women put ourselves in situations we don't have to be in when it comes to a man. WE ARE BUSY JUMPING UP AND DOWN GOING "PICK ME!, PICK ME". We have a gift and to recognize that gift gives US the power. Wars have been waged over it, friendships and families have been divided over the beguiling ways of a woman. She is loving when she wants to be, conniving when she has to be and treacherous when she has been scorned. It takes a lot for a woman to give herself to a man, some do it with dignity and gracefulness, but the game is still the same. Like with a peacock show. We are in such deep competition with each other that we would murder just to be loved by someone, but if you can't love yourself and respect who you are as a woman then neither will he. People have forgotten the natural order of things, the man is supposed to be the

Women are a mass of hormones. It is our cross to bear. We do go bananas with our first menstrual cycle to menopause and the road in between isn't any better. The rages the surges in progesterone and estrogen makes us difficult to deal with or to love 28 days out of every month, but when you have other issues that you are holding back on top of those issues it can be like a powder keg when those explosions happen and then the men in our lives have no clue what to do with us. Tenderness and compassion go a long way with a woman. Sometimes we just don't need any words, sometimes we just need a hug.

I look at this picture and I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have been in love with this man for almost 30 years now. I have been able to get over when someone I was dealing with has done me wrong, but not this man. He is my Achilles Heel. He always has been. I always had to love him in secret so no one would know. If you have to hide it how can it be love? My love is and was always real for me. But, there was always another woman. I was just one of many. I have prayed so hard and asked GOD to move this man from my heart, but he is still the only man I have been "in love with" there have been men that I loved, but not like this. I have found myself doing things that I never would have allowed if this were me back in the day. He still has the ability to knock me off my axis. I had such a wonderful day, I read my bible and tried so hard to stay prayed up and in one fail swoop when he called me to question me about the email I sent him and I was back in that bad head s

I am back at Day 1. I was so good at resisting him, but when tragedy struck my family he was the first one I wanted to call, to cry on his shoulders, to have him hold me and console me. But to him it was a way to get back in, under my skin. He was always my drug of choice and still the one thing I can not control. I love him and need him, but due to past hurts he will never allow me to be in his life emotionally only the physical connection which was always there was what drew him back in my bed again. I am not strong enough to resist him, so I need to lean on GOD for guidance. I really don't know why this man is in my life, but he has been apart of the fabric of my life for nearly 30 years of which I spent 25 of them loving him and 15 of those years actually being with him.  There were of course those times during those 15 years when we were on hiatus and seeing other people but  every single chance I got when I couldn't be with him I ran. This life didn't make sense to m

My sister and my cousin and I each have joined www.myfitnesspal.com and it was the best decision I made in taking my life back. With my heart failure diagnoses I was afraid of everything and all I saw was that things were changing in a major way and I was not sure I could fight my way out of it. The depression and despair, but this is where the devil wanted me living in fear and afraid to get better. When the doctors said no more climbing stairs and they took away circuit training, sank lower and lower. I felt chained to my apartment. I didn't want anyone to see me in this wheel chair. I remembered something I heard in Blade Trinity. When the young woman had lost her good friend and he told her to use the pain to help herself fight. I thought I would use this damn chair to help me work out and to get better. My heart is a muscle and a muscle needs to be worked. I have been working out 3-4 days per week and tracking my food and fluid intake. Working out causing me to have to have mo

I been writing more of my niece's book and it's actually getting harder the more I write about her. Hopefully I will get to see her again.  I struggle with her death on a day to day basis and I know getting upset all the time and crying is not good for my heart because it keeps my heart rate up and I am agitated because the more I write the more answers I have about what happened. I try to stay calm but it's so hard not to break down and cry each time, it also isn't good for me to be upset about this whole thing due to the fact that I am an emotional eater and it could go left real quick for me. Over the weekend it was hard maintaining my diet regimen because Shannon wasn't far from my thoughts. I just kept asking her for a sign that she was OK and when we were in my cousin's car one of her favorite old songs came on and it was then that I felt she was ok RIP Lady Baller.

My cousin and I have become fitness pals. I want to get out of this wheelchair for good. I exercised for 50 minutes this morning. I have to save my life. With God's help and grace. I pray for my cousin to reach her goal. She is my biggest motivator. I have a long way to go and God willing I will reach my goal of losing 200 pounds. Please keep me in your prayers and I will pray for all of you. I have to keep God apart of every plan I make.

My mind was going in so many directions and I had to clear out all the clutter and be still and talk to GOD. I needed to make these changes for my soul salvation. I know it's going to be tough, and people are not going to like the changes in me that are to come, but I have to worry about saving my soul. I also want to work with at risk young people as a youth minister. I think under the tutelage of Pastor Michele Wilkins I will be well on my way to doing something meaningful with my life. My soul was aching and lonely because I was not living the way the GOD wanted me to. GOD wants me to prosper, he does not want illness to attack me. If you don't have your health, everything falls by the wayside, but if you don't have YOUR SPIRITUAL health you really have nothing. Be blessed and be a blessing to one another. Your sister in Christ Susan

I have seen the passing of my niece and now I have lost a childhood friend. I am simply appalled at the rash of young people leaving this world and it's really made me stop and think about truly getting my affairs in order. Of course, we know not the hour or the day that GOD will call each one of us home, but we all should be prepared as best that we can be. The next moment is not promised. I am trying to live enough just for today.