The Face of Heart Failure

Took the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Learned so much that I want to start implementing in my life. For starters, I need to clean up my space and clear out the clutter out of my life. I also need to reclaim a space just for me and no one else. Now getting my husband to understand that it's what I need so I don't feel so closed in and closed off because nothing is my own anymore. I know when you get married you have to share your space, I just wish we had more space to work with then everyone can spread out and not be on top of each other.

Not really sure how this new job is going. There's no permanent staff to train me on the 3rd shift. I am the only one. The other people here work via the agency so in order for me to actually train I have to just wait for the other young lady to come back and show me what to do. They make last rounds at 5-5:30 so maybe I will done some gloves and go with them as they work because me just sitting here with nothing to do is not the look.

Started a new job under the ticket to work program at Brookdale Deer Creek in Sarasota. I was a little taken aback about the way they really weren't ready to train me and the young lady had no idea I was even coming. I was supposed to be watching training videos, however they're nowhere to be found on the laptop. I don't have access to email or really anything else. This isn't what I signed up for. Not sure yet if I'm going to like it here. It's pretty laid back, but all I have done is seen where the office is. I got handed a key to the building and pretty much left to my own devices, which isn't saying much. The job I am really looking forward to is the one working at Suncoast Career Source. Hopefully the gentleman that signs off on things will be back from vacation soon. Anyhoo, on to new possibilities.

I made the decision to recommit myself to my husband and give my marriage a honest try and to be more present and productive in my life. The last 6 months were really tough with trusting my husband and not being so afraid he would pull another disappearing act on me. The fear is still there even with him trying to show me he's open to changing. I'm also changing gyms today from Anytime Fitness to Planet Fitness. They have a 30 minute circuit that will help guide me and not make me feel so lost.

I woke up this morning with a different perspective about my marriage. I ended my friendship with the gentlemen from my weight loss group. It just wasn't conducive to my long-term goals for my marriage. I took these vows and I have to be present and show up for my marriage like I need him to. Marriage is all about compromise and I need him to hear me when I voice my concerns to him about why I don't want to put another car in my name and why it's vitally important for him to get his license so he can be able to stand up and be a man in my eyes. I need him to tell me the truth about Orlando and why he was going over there every week. I just need him to be honest with me about why...stay tuned.

It amazês me how someone can come into your life when everything just seems upside down and you're so unhappy and stuck in a relationship that you don't really want to be in, but you also want to pursue the possibilities with the other person but you don't because you are tied to another. There's an emotional connection growing and all it's doing is magnifying how unhappy my home life is. I honestly think my husband is just biding his time to see if I will give in and get another vehicle for him. I think that's the only reason he's trying to help me get into another one.  All I know is something has got to give.

These are my wedding rings. They used to mean the world to me, but for the last three months or so they've been devoid of any meaning to me other than a constant reminder of why I don't want to be married to this man anymore. We have nothing in common. We're never on the same page financially.  I shouldn't have to ask him for money to pay bills when he should offer. It's not like I'm asking for an allowance each week, far from it. I asked him one time for $50 dollars just for myself and he hemned and hawed about it before he gave it to me. In all honesty I have fallen out of love with my husband and I don't want to be married to him anymore. When I approach this subject with him he is going to react badly. Oh, he says that if a woman doesn't want him that all she has to do is say so, but he's very spiteful when his feelings are hurt and I don't want any drama, but the longer I keep quiet the more I feel my anger building and I don'

This degree was 30 years in the making. I am so proud of my accomplishment. I was absolutely elated when I got it in the mail. My next goal is to work on getting my Licensed Practical Nursing. I just have to figure out how to finance my education. The cost of the program is $6895.00 for the entire cost. I just think I may have to go the route of the CNA in order to fund my education. I'm just not sure if I can do that back breaking work of a CNA anymore. I'm not in my twenties anymore and it is grueling work. I want to work 11-7 because it's a slower pace for someone like me.

Finally paid off my tuition for my Bachelor's degree. It's been a long time coming. It's taken me thirty-seven years to get that degree and to my sister Sandra who made it possible for me to do I will forever be grateful.

Got on my scale today went from my starting weight at 363 to 318 I was shocked when I heard the number especially since I'm just three days post op. I'm excited but it did come as quite shock to have lost that much weight in such a short time. I can't wait for the rest of my transformation. It's taking some getting used to dealing with the smaller portions. I had some wonton soup and I tried eating the wonton dumplings, I chewed them up and spit them out because I didn't want to make myself sick. This is still a process for me, Dr. Rekkas gave me this new opportunity so I can't waste it. This is my new normal.

With my surgery day fast, I am saying goodbye to being obese and unhappy. I am looking forward to being healthy and getting my life back on track. I am hoping on my weight loss journey to lose enough to be healthy enough to go back to school to get my Licensed Practical Nurse and go back to work on the 11-7 shift. I wanted to be a nurse in my early twenties, but maybe God didn't think I was ready for that responsibility back then, but now 30 years later I'm 52 now and my maturity level is different than it was back then. I am truly excited about watching my body transform.

I got married February 13th, 2022 but it was yesterday that for all intents and purposes I reluctantly and officially became Mrs. Troupe. I carried my first husband's last name for well over a decade because I knew what a major hassle it was going to be to change it. He on the other hand was happier than a sissy at Raiford. I felt like part of me relented because he just kept harping on my not having his last name. When in actuality I wanted my father's name back. I should have never changed it to begin with. I was mad with Tony when I married Earnest and Earnest only married me to try and get his hands on money that was left to him by his grandmother, but he had to get and stay married for at least a year which is why he kept using delaying tactics trying to make it to that one year mark but our divorce was final and I was free. I should have gotten my daddy's name back then, and not let go of it again. I think deep down I just didn't want to be legally known as Mrs. T

This our wedding day and believe it or not I am clinging to the hopes that this  would be different instead it's just more of the same. The only difference is he isn't cheating that I know of. He has numbers in his call logs but I am the only contact in his phone. Hope will have you believing in someone's potential self versus who they actually are.

I stepped on the scale at 10:48 this morning and was upset to see that I had gained three pounds. My stress eating is getting out of hand for me. I know what it is but I'm trying not to say it, but I feel it. I don't want to be married to him anymore. No matter what was discussed in therapy I don't want to be married to him any longer...there I said it. It doesn't make me feel bad to say it, but that's how I really feel. To be brutally honet, I don't like how I am when I am with him. He doesn't challenge me mentally, spiritually or physically. The truth of the matter is Pastor wants me to let go and let him lead the household, but when I've given a man control in my life it all went left, and I was in financial ruin. I don't know if she's the best counselor for this type of situation and I don't know if Pastor Frank is either when the root of the matter is we shouldn't have gotten married again.  I went against my own better judgement out

We had our 2nd session of counseling and some revelations were made. I told him what I needed from him sexually and tonight was more of the same lackluster sex. It's borning. There's no passion and it was over in less than 5 minutes, and he's sound asleep.  It takes a woman more time to get there and he wonders why I watch 50 Shades of Grey so much. I'm looking for mind blowing sex. I honestly can't see my married life continuing this way. Seriously he fucks like a horny 17 year old who's gonna get caught by his mother. I can't keep going this way something has got to give. I don't mind his oral skills but I do have to remind him not to be so rough with me when he does that. Now I'm triggered. Shit!

Finally got to see my Bariactric Surgeon Dr. Stelios Rekkas. He gave me my surgery date for my vertical sleeve gastrectomy. I am over the moon about meeting all of my clearances with my other doctors. I really haven't talked to much about my surgery to my oldest sister because she's not on board with me doing the procedure. I have to do this for me to have a better quality of life for myself. This will be life changing for me and I am so ready for it to happen. I want to bump up my strength training to minimize the loose skin. I need to also get me some Palmer's cocoa butter to help with stretch marks. I am looking forward to watching my body change for the better. HW:363 PreSurgery:340 Goal Weight: 140

I am on my third marriage, twice with my second husband. I honestly don't know if I am cut out to be a wife. I don't know at times if I want to becmarried to him or anyone for that matter. I know marriage is all about compromise, but he's not giving me the space I need to sort things out. He asked me when he could come back home and my response to him was we need counseling. I think he feels as if he rushes through this the faster he can get back to driving that car and being back in my life on a permanent basis. I know him well enough to know he is very persistent, but I won't be rushed into making this decision with him hell-hacking me about it. If he doesn't gives me the space I need I am unsure if I can continue in this marriage. I got my divorce packet while he was with me and it felt surreal that I'm faced with the possibility of yet another divorce. Hopefully my individual counseling will give me more clarity.

We have not been married 90 days and trouble is lurking. He's reverting to his old ways and I'm shutting down emotionally. Tommy and I seem to just be existing in this marriage. I don't feel appreciated. I honestly don't know why he asked me to marry him again and part of me is starting to feel like I made a mistake in remarrying him.

Sitting here with my thoughts. There's a lot of them too. I should be sleeping, but I went so early that now I can't seem to settle back down. My husband on the other hand, can fall asleep just like that. Started my liquid diet Sunday and ended up eating 5 olives because I just wanted something savory. I know why I have to do the liquid diet it's to prep my liver so it shrinks so they can see my stomach better, but that doesn't mean it's not a little challenging. I just wish some people would stop trying to convince me not to do the surgery. They've offered their advice, but this is my life I'm trying to save. I need them to support my discision not try and derail it by trying to change my mind. They're not carrying 200 plus extra pounds on their bodies. They don't have to use assistive devices just to help them breath or sleep. Getting help with lising the weight could very well prolong my life. I know the 200 aren't going to drop off magically,

I began my road to wellness on my late niece's birthday. It was what I needed to do for me. I vame to Dr. Stelio Rekkas for help. He is a bariactric weight loss surgeon. I started the process of getting the surgery to help me lose and keep the weight off. Two of the people that are closest to me don't want me to have the procedure done because once I do it it cannot be undone. I told my husband yesterday that I needed his help and to stop bringing certain items in the house. I'm just trying to do what I can to be the best version of myself that I can be. It is in this moment that I have to be selfish and choose me this time. Nobody but me can make this change concerning my life and well-being.

Sex should be pleasurable. I for one am sexually stunted. There's no intamacy and he's too rough in his lovemaking. I don't enjoy it 80% of the time. I have told him that at times he is too rough with me, but that seems to go in one ear and out the other. Sexual chemistry is a vital component to any healthy marriage, this lackluster performance leaves much to be desired. What I'm missing is passion and genuine desire, not simply him getting off and I am lying back and thinking of England.

I'm still being triggered with eating foods that aren't good for me. I didn't realize how stressful my home situation is for me. I am terrified that we will all have to seperate for a while until we can find a place to be comfortable. My new husband may have to go back and live with his mother for a few weeks until we can find a place that will rent to us. The major hurdle would be our rental history. Because Sandra and I have evictions people aren't so quick to want to give us a chance to prove we would be a good tenant even though i have lived in this complex for 11 years. I worry about them when they sleep because they depend on me for a place to live. Father God knows I need help figuring this out. I should be sleeping, but that's hard to do when my family is in jeopardy.

Today I married my friend....that is all.

I started my new weight loss journey on what would have been my niece's 31st birthday. Ny resolve to have VSG a vertical sleeve gastronomy is my way of trying to prolong my life. There are steps I have to take furst before Dr. Rekkas will agree to do my surgery. He has given me a task oflosing 60 pounds on ny own first as a requirement from Medicare. I won't lie, it feels like a daunting task because I don't yet know the prioer way to portion control my foods. Then I also have to worry about my trigger foods. I can only control what I put in my mouth, but it sure would be nice if we all were on the same page in the house.

My former husband and have decided to remarry. I'm steadfast in my decision to recommit my life to God and my marriage.