The Face of Heart Failure

People make plans and GOD just laughs........sigh.

Til Death, Us Do Part.....In Sickness and Health.....For Richer, For Poorer.....Forsaking All Others......Those are the most powerful statements you can utter to another person. To stand up and make a declaration to another person that you( vow), a sacred promise to them that you will love and care for them when the going gets rough, when your struggles together threaten the very foundation you two have built together, for any person to thrive in this world each of us needs to feel safe and secure in our surroundings. Oftentimes we fall short of the expectations we have about our significant other. This person is sharing your air and your space and time with the person you have vowed to love for life.....that's deep and both depressing as well as profound in the sense that you come in this world by your self, but we as humans need that interaction we thrive the most when we feel love and comfort, some of us have become so desensitized that we withhold our love and affections from t

Sewing your oats.....let him be a man.....I'm a man, I'm going to look......blah, blah, blah......these are clear excuses for a man who wants to fool around and still have you there. Classic "cake and eat it too" mentality of the average man. As fragile as his ego is and some men have a "Super Ego" he can not fathom or even comprehend the devastation that he leaves in his wake when he treats a woman as disposable to him and his cause of notch making and dap-getting or hi-fiving bullshit from a man who is so used to having more than one woman at a time, it is simple behavior to him, but breaking it down, you know it's a defense mechanism to protect those fragile men who will not only not let you all the way, but will stand outside and help throw rocks at you saying "go away", but stay close, I want you when I need you and not before. Almost like the unwritten code between men, that women were only to speak when spoken to and most certainly not w

There comes a time when one person has to stop talking and listen. It's hard to do when the both of you want to be heard, but no one wants to stop talking long enough to listen. That speaks volumes.

As I write this entry with tear stained eyes, I know what I have to do. It's been brewing for such a long time and staring me in the face for weeks. As much as I love him I have to let go of him. I live in constant fear that he will come to me and say that this isn't working for him and that he has found someone else. That same fear is making me do things that I normally wouldn't do. All the lines have been blurred and there are no more boundaries with us. I fear that if I say no he will react badly or once again tell me how replaceable I am in his life. I wanted so badly to be his wife, but me wanting it doesn't make it so. He doesn't trust me and never will. He is expecting me to be OK with what ever it is he tells me, when in reality I am dying a little bit more each and every day. I don't think he has ever seen a loving and stable relationship or a truly committed one, so since he doesn't have the blueprint, the foundation will never withstand the storm.

There are times when you have to take stock in where you were a year ago to where you are now in your life and the choices you have made along the way.  A year ago I was in a wheelchair, a year ago I had no hope, a year ago I was on an emotional roller-coaster trying to end a very tumultuous marriage to a man who I should have never married in the first place. I am weary I will admit to the the things that are going on around me. I know worry is a sin, that's telling GOD I don't trust him to do his best by me. That could not be farther from the truth. What I do know is that whenever I am trying to fix things on my own it always goes awry I tend to get in over my head. It's like running towards a burning fire drenched in gasoline holding a match, this is a powder keg.  

Last night we almost lost each other all based on a failure to communicate with one another. He is the other half of my beating heart, and yet; I felt farther away from him than I have ever felt. He was hurting, I was hurting and those loving feelings were beginning to wane from one another. I wanted those longing looks we would give each other, you know, that knowing, the desire, the unspoken language of love and mutual respect that we had for one another. He is my best friend and I wanted desperately to be his again, but when one has shut down emotionally, the other is faced with the dilemma should I stay or should I go and the fact that my blind eye was making him feel unwanted when all I ever wanted was him and our life together, but I had to almost lose him for me to see just how important he is to me and for that I will never take my husband for granted. I will be very vocal about the way I love him, not only through my words, but my actions, I will always communicate and defer t

I have been in a rather perplexing mood today. Have not been feeling my best. Trying to figure out still where I fit into my fiancee's life. I often want to ask him just what kind of value do I bring to his life? Where do I fit into his grand scheme of things. I would love to have some uninterrupted time with him, where there are no phones ringing and we are just enjoying each others company. I feel like I often have to take a back seat to other people in his life that mean more to him than I do. I just feel really neglected by him and it's making me wonder is this what I have to look forward to in being his wife. He says he doesn't want to take me around those rough characters he runs with and he knows I can't be out in the hot sun like that, he also said that it doesn't look good to have his woman around all those men, but to me I really wouldn't care as long as I was with him. There are times when I just want to quietly walk right out of my life and start ove

There are times when you ask yourself the hard questions when you're in a relationship, like am I doing the right thing or is it really worth saving, am I really what's best for them? Those are the questions you ask yourself day in and day out are you an enhancement or a hindrance to their life. I wonder these things daily about my soon to be husband Alexzander. I wonder about the decision he's making when he asked me to marry him 3 months ago. The nay-Sayers offer their opinions about why were are "moving" too fast to marry, but it's not like that for he and I, we have history together. Our paths have been crossing for the past two decades and even though he infuriates me. I love that man so much until it physically hurts sometimes to be apart from him or be at odds with him. He really is the other half of my heart.