The Face of Heart Failure

My New Book  The Face of Heart Failure Book is Ready

The Face of Heart Failure: The Capacity of A Woman's Love : Today I was able to release something in my spirit that had been dogging me for a long time. It was extremely cathartic and I wept like I ha...

Today I was able to release something in my spirit that had been dogging me for a long time. It was extremely cathartic and I wept like I have never wept before. Two years ago I was dying and my Heavenly FATHER spared my life. GOD's mercy and love for me is astonishing. I want to talk to the men today. You have no idea what blessings and miracles we women are to you. WE have the capacity to love you in spite of all your bullshit that you heap upon us. You lie to us until those lies catch up to you....EVEN then WE still forgive you for things that YOU never forgive us for. The double standard needs to be put to bed once and for all. From the secrets you keep to the random women you sleep with and wreaking havoc along the way. I am here today not because I loved the wrong man. I AM STILL STANDING BECAUSE OF GOD'S MERCY AND GRACE. He will deal with you. I CAN'T PHYSICALLY FIGHT YOU, BUT ON MY KNEES MY BATTLE IS ALREADY WON. GOD KEEPS ME SAFE FROM HARM on a daily basis. Wheneve

I used to hear my former pastor talk about speaking things into existence in your life. To be careful what you pray for, because you just might get it. Be specific with what you're asking GOD to do in your life. Be mindful of the prayers you pray. When they are answered, they may not come the way you think they should. Surround yourself with positive people. Understand and realize that some people who have done you wrong, let GOD deal with them in HIS time, not your time table. From the man who hurt you so bad to the woman who broke your heart, you have to forgive people. Even when they go about their lives  like you never meant anything to them, or you may have dogged somebody out yourself. FORGIVENESS GOES A LONG WAY EVEN WHEN THEY WON'T SAY I'M SORRY OR ADMIT THEY WERE WRONG. People walk around with these kinds of facades to protect their feelings, and even when you finally discovered that they themselves low self esteem, but get off on making you feel bad. you . I have

You never in a million years think that someone you have loved for what seems like a lifetime would move on without you, or never hesitated to try and win you back, because they always knew deep down you would come back. Sometimes we as women break up with a man to stop a behavior in him, or wanted to be taken seriously by him, or simply acknowledge by him that you meant more to him than you did. For us women who have loved men who love to dog out women, there is a fundamental issue here. No man or woman ever started out to be that selfish bastard or hardened women who has a electrified fence around her heart, someone hurt them deeply that made them that way. It was never my fault that he could not love me the way I wanted to be loved, I NEVER MADE MY INTENTIONS KNOWN TO HIM . I put up with being put on the sideline because I was the one invading another person's space. My former husband did not really stand a chance even though he was conning me all along, my heart was somewhere

Susan and Sandra, Sandra and Susan or as my older sister Chapelle calls us "them two sisters there" we have always been together. If one is missing in action they swear we each know where the other one is. She has been my rock if it were not for my sister Sandra insisting that I go to the hospital. I would have died on April 16, 2009. I can not stress to her my gratitude in pushing the issue. She says she did it for selfish reasons, she wanted me to be here. I love her for that. My heart gets so full up when I think about my sister, and my best friend. We have gone through our share of ups and downs. But we long ago learned to respect each other as women and individuals. It took for my mother to make me realize when certain people tried to pit us against each other or break that foundation we have. I could not imagine going a day without talking to my sister Sandra. She sees me and accepts me for who I am. No matter what. If you have broken relationships that need repair fix

I told you in a previous blog that there is always a lesson in your life. My GOD showers me with his love and protection everyday. I fretted so over my bills each and everyday. It was a constant struggle to make sure I kept those bills in check, from not allowing too many people to visit and stay over or making sure they were not burning too much electricity. As bad as I needed to keep my car I could not afford a payment either and I worried constantly over it. When the insurance premiums got too high and the car note behind when my medicine costs went up I fretted yet again. My Heavenly Father took the burden off my shoulders with the repossession, and there were no longer car insurance premiums to pay it actually freed up some of my income to help my household stay afloat. I am not to proud to say I needed that help from GOD. I still have access to transportation and now what used to cost me over 300.00 a month to maintain will now only cost me about 30.00. The places I need to go ar

Yesterday I was tried from all sides yesterday. I felt like I could not bear to lose one more thing due to my illness, and as I said before there is a lesson in every aspect of your life. I took for granted that I would have my education to fall back on, I took for granted that when a man said he loved me, he ment it. I took for granted that I would always be able to work and take care of myself and keep my head above water. What I found out yet again the hard way was that I don't have my education to occupy my time. I have to sit out for nine months before they will let me come back to USF. I have been going to college so long I should have 3 PhD's by now, but I have been getting in my own way and not completing what I started. Then life throws those curves and you have to sink, swim or float on. One this is definite is that being sick doesn't care if you can't eat. Your illness doesn't know who's going to pay the light bill or the mortgage. Watching you life b

Fear is a very powerful emotion. Especially when the unknown is just that one uncertain thing that can often cripple you in your decision making and fear will lead you into situations that you normally would not have been in like a horse running towards a burning stable. Fear lead me into a marriage. Fear of being alone and thinking no one would want a sickly woman who can no longer do certain things like I used to. It was that same fear that made me doubt my self-worth and who I was as a woman. I allowed a man I was seeing to treat me with the utmost disrespect while I was seeing him. I was the other women in his life and it was because I had fear in being without him kept me in bondage in a destructive and dysfunctional relationship that was one sided. I allowed him to sleep with a friend of mine hoping to strengthen our bond, but it tore down my long standing relationship with the woman. I got rid of anyone in my life that was not on board with my relationship with him and again it

This blog post today  is dedicated to my friends and family. I wanted to say I love you all for the support that you have given me, and for keeping me encouraged. This is for you and I say thank you with all sincerity.

I woke up around 8:30 this morning after a fitful night of trying to sleep, so I decided to take a ME day. I heard the phone ringing all day and chose to lay in my bed alone with my thoughts. The ones that I share with no one but ME. I found out some things a few days ago and the woman scorned in me wanted to retaliate, but my long passed away father Sammie Lee in me would not let me inflict the pain upon the person who continues to this day to punish me for past relationship crimes and we have long since not been involved. How to you both love and hate someone at the same time? Is this possible. I had to weep and I get this out of me, it's a like a cancer that is consuming me. They need to be confronted for the things they have done and I need to let it go, so that's why I took a ME day to be alone with just ME and my thoughts.

Today, I wanted to touch on the some of the social stigmas related to disabilities. If I were an amputee and you saw me in the rolling cart at Wal-mart, you would not hesitate for a minute to wonder why, and you would carry on about your day. I feel like I'm part of the Omyatica Clan from Avatar: I can not teach you to see. My illness is not shown like that, but what you see is this obese woman who is to lazy to walk through the store, and you could not be more wrong. If you see me in the Bradenton Wal-marts and you have seen my blog then you would KNOW why I'm in the rolling cart. I was seriously going to make a T-shirt that spelled out exactly what was wrong. I don't need the comments and the stares from people, JUST ASK ME WHAT'S WRONG, don't assume to know anything about me UNTIL YOU ASK ME. To avoid all the nonsense, I usually do my grocery shopping at 2 or 3 in the morning so I can be alone and get my shopping done and get home. If you really want to get to kn

Today as I sat in my information session at Vocational Rehab I realized some "personal truths' about myself. At first it was hard to identify, but I knew at some point that I would have to look in the mirror and see it for exactly what it was. I have been going through the seven stages of the grieving process over the life that I felt I was being denied. With my heart-failure I have gone through the shock and denial that I was going to recover from this illness. The pain and guilt I had for letting go who I perceived to be the love of my life because I did not want him to leave me, I new deep down he would never be able to deal with my illness. Then came the anger and bargaining with GOD to please heal my heart so I could go back to work and finish my nursing degree and have the family I always wanted.  Then the depression and reflection over the things I may have done that lead to my heart failure from the drinking, smoking and partying and just being on auto-pilot for 13 ye