The Face of Heart Failure

Today is the seventh anniversary of my mother's passing. It was all I could do just to keep it together. My mind racing all day. I spent over thirty hours wide awake, even now writing this is hard to focus. I feel manic.

There are some things that have hurt me so bad, to this day, I still can't allow myself to speak about it. I haven't been able to release that pain, because I personally don't know if I could take processing it. I am just not ready and that's why I'm still sitting with past hurts.

I so wanted to re-create the life I had prior to getting sick. I wanted to feel useful and whole again. I never thought in my wildest dreams that me returning to my former employer was going to be anything but good. Boy, was I ever wrong. I cried everyday that I worked and I was just overwhelmed by the entire process. I had to resign and that too felt like a failure.

There was a time when the words used to pour out of me, but now, they don't flow like they used to. Early on, my eriting was from a place of sadness but since I stopped seeing Tony and put all that drama behind me, there's no passion that I once had to express myself through writing. It's like I'm missing the writing just like I'm missing him 

As I lay here I wrestle with the fact that I want more and need more. Life feels stagnant with him, I need someone who's equally yoked not someone who is using me as a means to an end. Could I say no absolutely, but the timing has to be right. I want a clean break with no messy entanglements and I don't want to keep laying next to a stranger.

My therapist suggested I start blogging again, but honestly I don't feel like it. End transmission.

I still don't know why the emptiness remains with me. I try to quiet my mind and be still, but I am so restless and resentful......there I said it out loud. It feels like torment to see all these babies and knowing that you can never have one. Then you read about people putting babies in garbage cans or leaving them on the sides of the road. I cannot for the life of me understand why a person would do that. Be still Susan.....be still.