The Face of Heart Failure

My therapist suggested I start blogging again, but honestly I don't feel like it. End transmission.

I still don't know why the emptiness remains with me. I try to quiet my mind and be still, but I am so restless and resentful......there I said it out loud. It feels like torment to see all these babies and knowing that you can never have one. Then you read about people putting babies in garbage cans or leaving them on the sides of the road. I cannot for the life of me understand why a person would do that. Be still Susan.....be still.

I feel like something is wrong.  Before my hysterectomy I always "nested" and would cook up a storm. I loved the feeling that my family enjoyed my food. Now my rhythm in the kitchen is off. I no longer get that enjoyment from cooking. I was so frazzled by it that I started throwing my dishes away.  I equated my food with giving  my love, how do I get that back? What do I do now?

The day after my hysterectomy I felt this complete and utter emptiness. Aside from the mountain of drugs  after my surgery, I knew that the change in me was permanent. There would be no way to bear my own children, I would never know what it felt like to have a life grow inside and come through me. I know that an adoption is still a viable option, and I will take the steps to make it happen. Being a mother is still one of my goals, but what they don't tell you, is how long and hard the road will be.

In twenty-four hours my hysterectomy surgery will take place. I finally had a mini-meltdown about all the emotions that had been swirling around in my head. I have female cousins who have had this procedure done due to heavy menstrual bleeding, but this is my journey and truly I wished that I had not waited so long to get this done. When you keep running from something eventually you end of running right back into the very thing that you feared the most. I did not want to be known as a broken woman who could not have children of my own. My plan and God's plan were not the same, but He knew what was best for his child and that was to do this procedure. I keep trying to stress to women especially African-American women to keep up with their annual check-ups to avoid issues like this or things can be caught earlier enough so that preventative measures can be taken. I am truly blessed with an amazing set of doctors in my corner and I also have an amazing support system. In twenty

FOR NEARLY FORTY-NINE YEARS SHE HAS BEEN WITH ME, JUST HANGING OUT DOING HER THING. WHILE I WAS DOING MY OWN THING, SOPHIA WAS GETTING SICKER AND SICKER AND I HAD NOT ONE IDEA OF HOW SICK SHE ACTUALLY WAS. I STARTED THE JOURNEY TO "WOMANHOOD" AT THE AGE OF NINE YEARS OLD. HERE I WAS A BABY AND NOW BIOLOGICALLY I WAS CAPABLE OF HAVING A BABY. LET ME TELL YOU HONESTLY, ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE A MOTHER, BUT GOD KNEW WHAT WAS UPON THE HORIZON FOR ME. I STARTED ABUSING MY TEMPLE AT AN EARLY AGE BECAUSE I COULD NOT BRING MYSELF TO TALK ABOUT THE ABUSE I SUFFERED AT THE HANDS OF THE DEACON IN MY GOD-MOTHER'S CHURCH. FOOD BECAME A PLACE OF COMFORT FOR ME AS WELL AS DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. BY THE TIME I WAS SIXTEEN YEARS OLD I STARTED SMOKING AGAIN AND DRINKING, ALL THE WHILE SKIPPING SCHOOL TO WORK TO SUPPORT MY SECRET HABIT. MOST PEOPLE NEVER KNEW I SMOKED BECAUSE I WAS SO GOOD AT HIDING THINGS AND KEEPING MY VICES TO MYSELF. THE MOST DEVASTATING THING TO HEAR WHEN YOU ARE

My oncologist is the absolute best. She really talks to me straight no chaser, and she asks me my opinion about my healthcare. We have decided that the best course of action would be to do a total hysterectomy to get out in front of the precursor to having cancer since the pathology report came back. I truly am very optimistic that I am in very capable hands which is why God sent me to her. It was a rough start just to get to see her with my medical transport becoming a nightmare just canceling and rescheduling appointments left and right. My surgery is in exactly twenty days. There are two people that I need to see and speak with but have no way to reach them. At any rate, I am ready for the preemptive strike.

I had to spend yet another week in the hospital. I had both a really bad sinus infection and pneumonia. It was while at Blake Medical Center I was also diagnosed with Afib or Atrial Fibrillation which make my risk of stroke greater. I had no reason to suspect that all those years of heart "flutters" was my heart not being in normal sinus rhythm. They put me back on the cardiac floor to observe me. The nurse I had was very frank with me about staying calm and if I didn't they would have to shock me with those paddles and they would have two nurses standing by if they couldn't get me back. Now, I have to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. My head is spinning and this is very serious, but God will not put more on me than I can handle, right now I will just have to settle for stunned silence.

This journey has been five years in the making. The Disability Law Judge ruled in my favor to have my disability reinstated and as far as he was concerned they never should have taken it away. I still have an uphill battle to climb, I and certain that no matter what God is helping me. Even when I was feeling hopeless, and lost and then on this wave of emotions. I found a wonderful doctor who was sent to me by the Father in the Name of Jesus to help wean me off the anti-depressants. Honestly, who would not be sad all the time when all you were feeling like is an ICD-9 code and not a real person? You have to stay the course. No matter how challenging or painful-even when you feel like you didn't deserve to be here. I know God has a purpose for my life and I want to make sure I do something with this life he gave to me.

Finally went to see my GYN for the first time since coming out of the hospital back in December. As per usual, I went to pieces with the doctor. It was like all of the emotions I had bottled up inside me came rushing out of me in one big wave crashing against huge rocks. I tried really hard to keep my composure with Dr. King, but I needed to talk about all of the things I could never speak to anyone else about other than my sister Sandra. My older sister was supposed to be there, she never showed up. It was crushing to say the very least. I was already on edge with my new diagnosis of CKD and not being told about it while I was in the emergency room to them admitting me into the ICU. Dr. King was actually phenomenal, it was me who had totally gone off the rails. Avoiding a situation for years does not mean it's not happening to you. I kept putting off going to see a GYN until I nearly died from the blood loss. Not only that I have to also deal with this contentious divorce from

If you have ever watched the Wizard of Oz  you will remember when they finally got to see the Wizard and found out he was a fraud and that what they needed was within them all along. Being overly curious to find out things can lead you to a situation that can really impact your life, and most certainly not for the better. This is why you should never look behind the curtain.

Soon I will be going in for my biopsy. I will also discuss having the hysterectomy with my OBGYN who will also be my surgeon. I need to stop watching those videos on YouTube about the procedure because those women's experience will not be my experience. I just pray that God guides my surgeon's hand and I come out of this okay. I have truly made peace with not having children naturally, but rest assured, there is some child or children who need me to be their mommy.