The Face of Heart Failure

Yet another night where I cannot get to sleep. I know it's nothing but the devil trying to distract me. There are so many things on the horizon, that to say I feel overwhelmed and lost is an understatement. I have had three procedures on my spine to relieve the low back pain, but it's back. I can walk around my apartment, but standing still makes me dizzy. I attribute it to my being lower to the ground in the electric chair. From where I sat my center of gravity wasn't so bad, but as I stated before, standing still makes me dizzy and I feel as if I will fall again. When I had the radio frequency done on Tuesday, I expected to be completely pain-free, sore from the procedure for a few days, but when I attempted to make dinner, it was less than five minutes in when the pain in  my hips and low back came back and I had to sit down for the throbbing to stop. I have been in constant pain the majority of my life. All of the women in my mother's family have some form of

Since being on all of the medications, I don't feel the desire of any kind to be intimate with a man. For me, that is a good thing I guess. I have been married to my second husband for all of a year and thirteen months and out of those thirteen months, we have lived separately. I have not made the best choices when it has come to be in a relationship. I tend to dive in head first and then pull back when I see a man behaving the way another one did. If I truly stop to look at all of it from an unbiased point of view that the common thread in each of the relationships was me. I dated the same person over and over trying to see if they would become the person I truly wanted to be with. It's like finally getting to meet your favorite actor or actress only to discover that they aren't so great in real life. I seem to attract the type of men who always wanted to "lock" me down early on and that seems to lead to disaster later on. I have the tendency to have the fe

I really struggled with November 9th. Not only is it my father's birthday, but also the birthday of my late boyfriend. How I wish things had turned out differently between Timothy and me, but the universe did not foresee us having a lasting life together. It was young and impetuous with no clear goals; what teenager is expected to have their lives figured out at fourteen and fifteen respectively? No, the better thought should be at least for me is to stop trying to plan  my life and actually live my life. I spend so much of my time trying to go back and fix my mistakes, that I forget why things happened in the first place. I think maybe, it's because in my mind if I can somehow make it better it would change the outcome. I know that everyone comes to that fork in the road where they can choose to take one path or the other, however, you choose there is a consequence of each action or inaction that you choose some decisions you make right or wrong the only thing for sure is t