The Face of Heart Failure

There comes that time in your life that you realize that sometimes the timing is just off. You get caught up in the moment, but that still small voice says, not yet, please don't do this right now. Of course, you want to be willful and do it any way; sometimes the cost of doing that is too much, sometimes in doing so, you end up worse off than when you started. What is the old saying, people who don't learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them? People's perception of me stems from how I was, NOT who I am today. a hot-headed teenager and young adult is not my focus anymore. Health wise, me getting upset and angry has a very negative impact on my body. I stressed myself so about my disability hearing that was earlier this month, that I started smoking again. Yikes! 15 years down the drain, BUT I am hopeful that I can quit again. I WILL quit again, my health depends on it. Now that I am back in school, I still find it difficult to juggle being in a relationship. I

I was not looking for him. He found me. I am scared to say things to him for fear it may be too soon. He has actively pursued me, even when I have done my best to push him away. I vowed that after my ex-husband that I would not subject my family to another man that had come into my life.  The bible speaks that when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing. I want this relationship to be different and more meaningful. It's amazing that a man traveled clear around the world to find me. It is my sincere hope that I have found the other half of my heart in him. With all things considered. It would be amazing if this was that last time I fell in love. I am giving the him a chance, the same way I am giving us  a chance. I want to keep God in front of us and behind us and all around us.  I hope he is up for challenge of taking this ride with me. Maybe he will prevail where other's were  too weak and maybe he will be the last one.

When I first came home from the hospital, I would sleep and would awake and not remember having a dream. I have always had a vivid active imagination, but to have a dreamless sleep was very unusual, and for a person like me, almost frightening. I thought I was losing that unique thing that made me me, my creativity. In 2012 when my ex-fiancee attacked me and was both emotionally and physically abusive, my whole world became a constant endless stream of nightmares. Some I would share, and others I would not, for the simple fact that they disturbed me so that I simply could not speak about them. My anxiety and depression is so bad that I have been diagnosed with PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder). I am transparent and both my doctor and my therapist is helping me to regain my life back. Last night was the first time that I had a dreamless sleep. It was nice to sleep and not have anything there. I cannot not change what happened to me, but by the Grace of God, I am still here and