The Face of Heart Failure

What do you do when it seems like there are bits and pieces of you breaking off of your life and floating away? I came to my sisters house to have my computer worked on and I spend time with family,but my spirit is so restless right now.

Between 1988 and 1990 I was truly a lost young woman with no clear direction I had for my life. That was until I put on my first nursing uniform. I remember how proud I felt to be wearing that white dress, the silk pantyhose and that badge with my name on it and my white leather nursing shoes. I wore my uniform with pride and a sense of accomplishment. It was mine, all mine and no one could take those skills away from me once I had learned them. I loved every aspect of being a nursing assistant. I wanted to be a pediatric nurse practitioner. That was MY PLAN, but that's not what happened. In 1991 I had a back injury that derailed my nursing career. Let's face it, in nursing your livelihood depends on you being able to use your knees, feet, back and hands and my back injury sat me down for over a year. I would never be the same again. I made several attempts to go back to nursing on a full time basis, but my back was shot and my body was well on its way to morphing into somet

Fear is real because it lives in the mind and it can also be a crippling thing.

This has been an uphill battle, but I am trying my best to hold this together. I have stumbled quite a bit in the past weeks and things that normally wouldn't bother me seem like mountains now. I had to retreat and take an emotional health day. To regroup and to get my focus back. In my haste of having to deal with the upheaval of disability. I had to get an attorney because I feel that it's now time for me to bring in someone who is truly on my side of this equation. I am also grappling with my fear of my doctors. I have gotten nothing but upsetting news since my nightmare began and I am just overloaded with everything. As a Virgo I tend to carry all of my worry in my gut and it makes for stress-filled episodes that cannot be planned on. My anxiety is through the roof and I have begun to break out in stress hives again over the thought of being homeless. I lived for a few weeks in my car because I was too ashamed to ask my mother could I come home. Even though she told us th

This can be a great healing or revealing time for a person. So much growth can happen if you allow it to. With my mother's passing. I am so overwhelmed by the thought that she is gone. Having gotten used to her fighting her way through major adversity. I didn't stop to think of how tired she was. I understand her in that way simply because the body is not designed to last forever. It is fragile and resilient all at the same time. It is amazing that the human body can heal itself if given the passage of time to do so. I worry on a daily basis that I am running out of time to do the things that I am really passionate about, but my body isn't cooperating. I can't walk very far without the assistance of a walker and standing is hard as well. I get very winded doing simple tasks, but to have to fight to prove that to the powers that be that I am still disabled escapes me. I feel like I was penalized for not being able to attend the hearing and now I have to go before a ju