The Face of Heart Failure

There's a lot of pain behind that soft smile of mine. Today was a very difficult day. My anxiety got the better of me and I was caught up in a whirlwind of emotions. Dr. Ellis is my new primary care physician. I think I will be able to build a good rapport with her if I could just get my nerves out of the equation. She has done nothing to me, but my fear of her is very real to me. I have to see a hematologist, and doctor for my rheumatoid arthritis my thyroid needs to be checked. She also is going to make sure that I get my C-pap machine for my sleep apnea. She says this may help with my heart failure as well. None of the other doctors I saw have even remotely mentioned that if my sleep apnea was treated that it may help my heart function better. I think today I was just on information overload and having my cycle today definitely did not help matters any. I hope having to see all of these specialist that it won't derail my plans, but then again people make plans and God jus

There are times when you have to take your own personal inventory. Not once but several times over the course of your life. For starters as we age and progress through this life our priorities change. The things that mattered to me when I was a child are not the same things that mattered to me as a teenager nor when I became an adult. Having a new set of experiences during those times most definitely reshaped the things that I cared about. Of course there will always be those core things that will always be the mainstays in my way of thinking, those are just hardwired into my DNA. My true nature has always been to worry excessively about things. Most born under my zodiac sign will attest to that fact. Most Virgos are headstrong and willful. If someone cannot give us a valid reason for why we should not do something, that is as good as saying, " go ahead and do it". When I first began this experiment in breaking my own heart with Tony it was the culmination of a girlhood c

I don't think any man starts out as "that guy". You know the one I am talking about, the one who actually delights in dogging out a woman to see what he can get. At first the person I blamed for his bad behavior was Vivian. She made the mistake of telling him, " I Got You, Babe" Taking care of his every need and every whim and before you know it you're off to the races. At the heart of the matter it was him who decided to keep up with the debauchery and low life tactics. He is an Alpha Male and in being such he will not allow you to be with more than just him. His ego is very fragile and he cannot fathom the things you do with him being done with another man. He would often times tell me what he disliked about each woman he was dealing with and always in the back of my mind I would think, wow, if he is talking about these women to, what must he be saying about me to them? It's sad to know that you as a man don't think yourself capable of being w

Death and Dying of The Relationship The 5 Stages of Grief apply to relationships as well. It is a loss and sometimes it is a loss of EPIC proportions. Especially when you deal with a man like Tony who for whatever reason he has doesn't a woman the closure that she needs. He just picks up and starts something new and he didn't have the decency to be a man and end things  properly. As I have stated before he is a consummate liar and as such he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy, but ripping through each of us the way he does is tragic. He lies and conducts he life with no remorse for the things he does. I use my words as catharsis to deal with those emotions so I do not act out in a way to bring harm to myself or another person. I am sure he thought I would just be quiet about all his misdeeds, but I couldn't in good conscious let him do it to another woman, and she be blind to the fact that he is a user. I could blame Vivian for turning him loose on the rest of

When you have spent the majority of your adult life trying to make a relationship work and when you find that you have to take a step back and look at it for what it was it can truly be heartbreaking. This man has done nothing, but string multiple women along and he won't close the door on one before he begins another. I have watch numerous woman come and go. He will keep them as long as they serve a purpose. Whether it be sexual, monetary or transportation. Each of us thinking we were the only one. He always leaves devastation in his wake and he is never remorseful about the damage he causes. I had the pleasure of finding out that he has begun yet another relationship while dealing with me. It's not that I went looking for this information, but I have been dealing with him for over 19 years and I know when he starts to change. Case in point he will spend all kinds of crazy time with me and then it will shift. He has always done things this way. He also will not be the one

The doctors have often counted her out, but God has always proven them wrong about my momma

When the body experiences a trauma the mind will sometimes bury those memories to help you cope with those things. A schitoma is the mind reliving that trauma as if it just occurred it does not know the time frame it just processes the information it is given. Sometimes you can be so heartbroken about situations that you simply cannot change and it creates this void in your life. I have always tried to fix the errors in my life, and when I can't, it becomes a compulsion with me to right those wrongs. I have great difficulty with truly surrendering to the fact sometimes there can be no resolution.

Dating has always been sort of an enigma to me. I like being in a relationship, but I also like being alone and these two things are often in conflict with one another. As you well know the man that I have been in love with for a very long time, we just can't seem to make it work without past hurts cropping up. We each are holding on to it because to let go of it would mean to call a truce on a near twenty year bitterness. We both harbor resentment with each other. I am willing to talk about it in great detail, but he is a very unforgiving man. I think part of the reason is that he has never apologized for anything he has ever done to a woman in his life. There is always a justification for the bad deed, and he always has a way of making a woman apologize for making him be bad. Yes it is a form of manipulation, and he is a master at that. But when does holding on to a past bad act become so toxic that once it's spread to everything you do there is simply no recovery? I have