The Face of Heart Failure

I am so thankful to be alive and my family is safe.

Navigating through a rough patch in a relationship can be like walking through a minefield holding a live grenade. Sometimes, either one or both of you can be the casualties of love and war.

It's hard to go places with other people. For me it's like getting an infant ready for the day. I have to prepare my bag, put my medicines in my backpack, make sure I have my Depends in there in case I am gone too long and the medicine starts working. I have been on the citybus on numerous occasions and my bladder will just let go from taking such a strong water pill. I have long since stopped being embarrassed to purchase adult incontinence briefs, it is apart of my life now. There used to be the feelings of people can see how bulky they are from behind, and talk about having to think about intimacy when you have to wear these things, will he understand why I no longer wear the sexy underwear anymore? These are some of those uncovered creeping things that I think about.

When I got the letter from Social Security Disability Determination that they decided based on one doctor's visit that I was no longer disabled. The people who are making these decisions about my life have no clue what living with all my illnesses have done to my life. I am reeling, but I have submitted the appeal and now starts the waiting game. It's in GOD's hands now as it's always been

For the past several weeks I have had the urge to try running, but I know the risks to myself are very real if I I were to even remotely do something like that. I wished that my hands would stop burning or my feet and legs would stop tingling, or my heart would not race so bad just from laying down. I listen to its rapid beating, oftentimes, it feels like it's skipping. I feel like a walking book of diseases. Congestive Heart Failure, diabetes, anemia, high blood pressure, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, depression. I know that I am more than just a diagnostic code, but to the doctors that I see all I am is just billable hours. My former doctor won't even fill out my paperwork to keep my apartment unless he can charge my insurance for an office visit. Sad.

I am back at Day 1. I was so good at resisting him, but when tragedy struck my family he was the first one I wanted to call, to cry on his shoulders, to have him hold me and console me. But to him it was a way to get back in, under my skin. He was always my drug of choice and still the one thing I can not control. I love him and need him, but due to past hurts he will never allow me to be in his life emotionally only the physical connection which was always there was what drew him back in my bed again. I am not strong enough to resist him, so I need to lean on GOD for guidance. I really don't know why this man is in my life, but he has been apart of the fabric of my life for nearly 30 years of which I spent 25 of them loving him and 15 of those years actually being with him.  There were of course those times during those 15 years when we were on hiatus and seeing other people but  every single chance I got when I couldn't be with him I ran. This life didn't make sense to

I woke up this morning with a phone call from my God-baby. We had a short brief chat and I came away from it with the conclusion is that we as women put ourselves in situations we don't have to be in when it comes to a man. WE ARE BUSY JUMPING UP AND DOWN GOING "PICK ME!, PICK ME". We have a gift and to recognize that gift gives US the power. Wars have been waged over it, friendships and families have been divided over the beguiling ways of a woman. She is loving when she wants to be, conniving when she has to be and treacherous when she has been scorned. It takes a lot for a woman to give herself to a man, some do it with dignity and gracefulness, but the game is still the same. Like with a peacock show. We are in such deep competition with each other that we would murder just to be loved by someone, but if you can't love yourself and respect who you are as a woman then neither will he. People have forgotten the natural order of things, the man is supposed to be the

We've all been there.....you know what I mean we have either had them, been them or used them. Pinch hitters. The one that gets that "stand in" call when they want to use you or your body. We women compete so much for one man, but what would happen if we said no? Oh sure there would be another one, always will be, but you have to decide is you want to OWN THE TEAM, or PLAY ON THE TEAM, or GET TRADED BY THE TEAM, either way it's all about choices. The choice has always been yours as a woman. Men learned how to play these games from US we perfected the ART of seduction. A man can love you and you can make him so mad that he leaves you and finds a pinch hitter, that is until YOU start acting the way HE thinks you should instead of THE WAY YOU REALLY ARE. It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize that you are a pinch hitter, but it's even better when you understand that you can always forfeit the game.

My momma has NEVER HAD TO QUESTION who MY DADDY was, he knows me inside out and he loves me beyond measure. He Gave me a WONDERFUL EARTHBOUND FATHER TO COME THROUGH. She insisted on using protection, because she was "done" having kids after my oldest sister was born, BUT MY DADDY said, no honey I got a few more for you. There would have been 6 of us, but MY DADDY needed the other two. HE KNOWS WHY I AM THE WAY THAT I AM, HE KNOWS HOW MANY HAIRS ARE ON MY HEAD, he knows how many years I'm supposed to be here. Every quirky thing about me, that may drive other people up the wall MY DADDY knows why I do them. My DADDY HAS A LOT OF KIDS, SOME OF US ARE SUPER GOOD AND SOME OF US ARE SUPER BAD, BUT BECAUSE HE'S MY DADDY HE TAKES CARE OF EACH ONE OF HIS KIDS WITHOUT BEING TOLD TO DO SO. He doesn't worry about HIS BABIES Momma's trying to keep us from him or run game on him and CHILD SUPPORT IS NEVER AN ISSUE, because MY DADDY IS ALWAYS RIGHT ON TIME WITH WHAT

I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy and in the few minutes the show aired. They were in the middle of a heart transplant surgery when the waiting patient coded and died. I had an emotional breakdown because it hit home for me that while GOD gave me a second chance, my niece's life is over. I cried and I wept at the thought of all of it. I haven't done much with my life, but I am trying to to use this second chance to my advantage. I hope to have Shannon's book completed by the end of the year, it's so hard to write about her and not have these emotional pangs of grief for her. She did more in her short 20 years than I have ever done in the 42 years I have been alive. I really admire that about her. I look back at my life through a second glance and realize that as long as GOD let's me, I will tell her story the best way that I know how. with love and honesty. FAMU is dedicating their season to Shannon and I really wish I could be there. I miss her so muc