The Face of Heart Failure

My new cardiologist  wants to put a defibrillator in me to help with my heart function. I am so scared of this whole process, but I know it's to help me live longer and to give the doctor notice when my heart  goes into stress. I will continue to fight for as long as I can.

Sometimes you have to be reminded of how blessed you are with the little things. Yes I am in constant pain, and because of the heart failure it takes me longer to do something and walking isn't so easy, but I am reminded of how blessed I am. I may need o use my wheelchair or my scooter more or my walker more, but I DO have the option. Some people will never walk again or have ever taken a step. I am humbled and grateful for being able to STILL walk and I needed to slow down anyway. THANK GOD AND PRAISE HIM FOR EVERY STEP AND BREATH YOU TAKE.

Life is going on all around you whether you choose to deal with it or not. Accept each day for the blessing that it is and get on with it.

Kind of got lost in why I began this blog. I wanted it to be about how I am dealing with this chronic illness and all that comes along with it. The more I wrote it started to morph into something other than what I had intended. I have been completely out of sorts since I got out of the hospital. No matter how many times I may think that I am on the mend, something happens and I am reminded of what my life is like now. I will try and do something and then I will start to get winded or try to stand at my stove to cook something and my back will start to have a spasm and then I'll have to reach for my chair to sit down again or use my walker if I just want to go for a walk or use my electric scooter when I am going for a long distance. I know just being alive longer than doctors said I would be is a miracle in and of itself. I also am reminded of the fact because people can't see my illness it's not real to them, so I may have to ask you to slow down or give me a minute to c

I woke up this morning with a phone call from my God-baby. We had a short brief chat and I came away from it with the conclusion is that we as women put ourselves in situations we don't have to be in when it comes to a man. WE ARE BUSY JUMPING UP AND DOWN GOING "PICK ME!, PICK ME". We have a gift and to recognize that gift gives US the power. Wars have been waged over it, friendships and families have been divided over the beguiling ways of a woman. She is loving when she wants to be, conniving when she has to be and treacherous when she has been scorned. It takes a lot for a woman to give herself to a man, some do it with dignity and gracefulness, but the game is still the same. Like with a peacock show. We are in such deep competition with each other that we would murder just to be loved by someone, but if you can't love yourself and respect who you are as a woman then neither will he. People have forgotten the natural order of things, the

My momma has NEVER HAD TO QUESTION who MY DADDY was, he knows me inside out and he loves me beyond measure. He Gave me a WONDERFUL EARTHBOUND FATHER TO COME THROUGH. She insisted on using protection, because she was "done" having kids after my oldest sister was born, BUT MY DADDY said, no honey I got a few more for you. There would have been 6 of us, but MY DADDY needed the other two. HE KNOWS WHY I AM THE WAY THAT I AM, HE KNOWS HOW MANY HAIRS ARE ON MY HEAD, he knows how many years I'm supposed to be here. Every quirky thing about me, that may drive other people up the wall MY DADDY knows why I do them. My DADDY HAS A LOT OF KIDS, SOME OF US ARE SUPER GOOD AND SOME OF US ARE SUPER BAD, BUT BECAUSE HE'S MY DADDY HE TAKES CARE OF EACH ONE OF HIS KIDS WITHOUT BEING TOLD TO DO SO. He doesn't worry about HIS BABIES Momma's trying to keep us from him or run game on him and CHILD SUPPORT IS NEVER AN ISSUE, because MY DADDY IS ALWAYS RIGHT ON TIME WI

I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy and in the few minutes the show aired. They were in the middle of a heart transplant surgery when the waiting patient coded and died. I had an emotional breakdown because it hit home for me that while GOD gave me a second chance, my niece's life is over. I cried and I wept at the thought of all of it. I haven't done much with my life, but I am trying to to use this second chance to my advantage. I hope to have Shannon's book completed by the end of the year, it's so hard to write about her and not have these emotional pangs of grief for her. She did more in her short 20 years than I have ever done in the 42 years I have been alive. I really admire that about her. I look back at my life through a second glance and realize that as long as GOD let's me, I will tell her story the best way that I know how. with love and honesty. FAMU is dedicating their season to Shannon and I really wish I could be there. I mi

We've all been there.....you know what I mean we have either had them, been them or used them. Pinch hitters. The one that gets that "stand in" call when they want to use you or or body. We women compete so much for one man, but what would happen if we said no? Oh sure there would be another one, always will be, but you have to decide is you want to OWN THE TEAM, or PLAY ON THE TEAM, or GET TRADED BY THE TEAM, either way it's all about choices. The choice has always been yours as a woman. Men learned how to play these games from US we perfected the ART of seduction. A man can love you and you can make him so mad that he leaves you and finds a pinch hitter, that is until YOU start acting the way HE thinks you should instead of THE WAY YOU REALLY ARE. It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize that you are a pinch hitter, but it's even better when you understand that you can always forfeit the game.

I stepped away from my blog to try and process some issues that I have been dealing with. I know my doctors are only here to help me, and it is my own fear and insecurities that keep me in panic mode. I have been afraid to get close to a man because of past hurts and because I am still seeking acceptance from two very important people in my life and those very two people will never approve of me or apologize for the wrong they have done. I know I have to let go of the past and that some people are not going to apologize or feel like they did anything wrong, there lies my conundrum.