The Face of Heart Failure

For three years I suffered in silence. I smiled and grinned and bared it and still continued to see you, even though I knew what you had done to me, and I know you had to know because that's what you do. What I got for my pain was to become a statistic, that was the price of loving you. Everything we did in secret will now be my cross to bear. I felt dirty for years would not allow another to embrace me because you had imprinted on me for good. I would never belong to another, because you made sure that I would always belong to you. How dare you abuse the gift of love that I gave you, how dare you dangle your love in front of me only to snatch it away. I never would confront you because of what happened because you would find a way to blame me for it. But in those three years I learned what I wanted more than anything and that was God's forgiveness; so I had to forgive YOU for myself. I no longer carry the burden or the shame. No matter what you tried to do even when you said ...

Therapy is a much needed tool when life is coming at you from all sides. I have a wonderful earthbound therapist. Dr. James Benedick. God pointed me in his direction, and he brought to the surface so many things that I had long since buried and thought I had dealt with. I urge anyone who is having some major life trauma talk to someone your clergy or a real trained professional or GOD he doesn't charge by the hour and is always there day or night.

I am assuming this is my season to fight. They found a mass in my left breast. I have been having these mini freak out since I saw it. Even Stevie Wonder could see it. I haven't felt any hardening or knots in my breasts so for it to show up has really sent me reeling. I have to wait for a week and then will see my doctor to see what course of action to take and then there is my cardiologist who wants to put in the defibrillator and I have to follow up with a GYN to see what they are going to do about my cycle lasting so long I just have to pray and stay positive.

My new cardiologist  wants to put a defibrillator in me to help with my heart function. I am so scared of this whole process, but I know it's to help me live longer and to give the doctor notice when my heart  goes into stress. I will continue to fight for as long as I can.

Sometimes you have to be reminded of how blessed you are with the little things. Yes I am in constant pain, and because of the heart failure it takes me longer to do something and walking isn't so easy, but I am reminded of how blessed I am. I may need o use my wheelchair or my scooter more or my walker more, but I DO have the option. Some people will never walk again or have ever taken a step. I am humbled and grateful for being able to STILL walk and I needed to slow down anyway. THANK GOD AND PRAISE HIM FOR EVERY STEP AND BREATH YOU TAKE.

Life is going on all around you whether you choose to deal with it or not. Accept each day for the blessing that it is and get on with it.

Kind of got lost in why I began this blog. I wanted it to be about how I am dealing with this chronic illness and all that comes along with it. The more I wrote it started to morph into something other than what I had intended. I have been completely out of sorts since I got out of the hospital. No matter how many times I may think that I am on the mend, something happens and I am reminded of what my life is like now. I will try and do something and then I will start to get winded or try to stand at my stove to cook something and my back will start to have a spasm and then I'll have to reach for my chair to sit down again or use my walker if I just want to go for a walk or use my electric scooter when I am going for a long distance. I know just being alive longer than doctors said I would be is a miracle in and of itself. I also am reminded of the fact because people can't see my illness it's not real to them, so I may have to ask you to slow down or give me a minute to c...