The Face of Heart Failure

There’s a limit to my patience. My husband is making me resentful towards him. I’m trying very hard to be patient but this financial situation he has put me in is really making me want to walk away.

Marriage is not easy for me. Some days are better than others and then there are days like this I want to cut and run for the hills. I don’t like being watched all the time or to have my movements tracked like he does.  I don’t do him like that and it’s really annoying and making me want to leave him and be by myself . I don’t know if I am really cut out to be his wife especially not with the way he is. I have so much thinking to do.

I’m sitting here at work trying my best to keep focus on why I am the way that I am. One minute I love my husband and the next I can’t believe I married this man again. Maybe I need to have my medication readjusted because this is not normal behavior . I know deep down I keep punishing him because he truly isn’t the man I wanted to marry, but initially I married out of desperation and fear and he married me to get out of his then current situation.  He actually married me and then went home to her. I was hurt but not surprised because I didn’t love him in the traditional sense. I loved him like a friend and that was fine as long as I didn’t have to consummate the marriage. I held off on that until he just insisted on moving in with me. My husband is like one of those hermit crabs where he will just pick up another relationship while still in one. The only difference between Tony and my husband Tommy is that Tony has my heart. Even with all the things I have been through with him th...

I never really know from one day to the next if I have ever felt loved and appreciated by my husband. He can be so shortsighted sometimes and it frustrates me and infuriates me at the same time.  There are times when I feel like he is just biding his time until he gets his car paid off so he can really show his natural black behind to me. I have done more than a woman in a loveless marriage would do and still I stay but make no mistake about it I won’t continue to play the fool.  There’s no passion no real connection between us. The mechanics of sex is there but is that real love absolutely not.

I promise I tried to stay within this marriage and it’s just not worth all this hassle to stay with this man. We don’t communicate we don’t spend time together and the sex is lackluster at best. I feel like I’m raising a grown ass man. He doesn’t even do the bare minimum in this marriage and I truly know I am in this situation-ship all by myself. I’m tired of talking to him about his behavior and his lack of action. I think it’s best we go our separate ways and spare each other any more of the heartbreak and confusion. I certainly don’t want to keep going around and around with him about me not staying in bed at night. He complains when I’m up late talking to my sister. He complains because of the night shift that I work. I like being at work at night just so I don’t have to deal with him and all the backhanded nonsense of his slick mouth.  Writing is my only outlet and even that is starting to suffer. I used to write about my feelings almost daily but it’s an uphill battle to even...

There used to be a time when he would do for me without me begging and pleading. I didn’t used to worry all the time about coming up short on bills and he works every day for daily pay but he wasn’t pulling his own weight and that’s one of the biggest reasons why I chose to walk away because I am not made of money and as long as he thinks I have it the more he is willing to keep taking me for granted and I knew in that moment that I had to finally choose me.  I know it’s going to take me some time to untangle myself financially from this man, but at least I will have peace of mind knowing that I put myself first.

My husband and I are truly over now. He finally moved out and I am simply relieved that he’s gone now. The only thing left to do is file the paperwork for the divorce.  I waited patiently for him to get the message loud and clear that It would never be him and me ever again. I haven’t moved back into the bedroom because it has to undergo a transformation where there’s no memories of him left in that room. I felt disrespected in that room so until I transform it and cleanse that room I will not be sleeping in that room. I’m hoping to be divorced completely by the end of the year. Not sure if the lawyers will take my case but either way, I’m going to try my hardest to get my maiden name back. I wouldn’t suggest you marry anyone you’re not completely compatible with. You should have a good Christian foundation to build on and not have a divided heart. This was one very expensive lesson to learn.