The Face of Heart Failure

Each morning I wake up. I have all these intentions of my day is going to be like. For instance wanting to clean up my house, but not having the physical stamina to do it. Now mind you, I live in a one-bedroom apartment. So this shouldn't be a difficult task, but being connected to my oxygen all the time makes me feel helpless at times. I breakdown when I'm alone because my family really can't help me with this. I'm dealing with yet another health crisis. I am being put in the hospital to do a bone marrow biopsy. Then I am dealing with a relationship that doesn't matter to me anymore because I know deep down the only reason he's still around is because of that car he is driving. Just tired. I need to be back in therapy, but I can't afford to pay for the sessions on a weekly basis. I'm trying not get used to the money that my sister gives me because she could decide that she wants to move on without me and I can only respect her for that. I'm so depre

I feel like I'm spinning out of control. I need to start therapy again, but I can't afford to right now. I just cry when I'm alone.

Really been melancholy today. It's all I can do to keep from falling apart. I am facing yet another health crisis and I'm not sure of what the outcome of this doctor visit will be. Abnormal bone marrow is a scary thought, and I just am keeping myself together. I know the person I want to talk to about it is no longer available to talk to me. I know when I'm alone I will break down, but for now I will take it moment to moment.

Today is the seventh anniversary of my mother's passing. It was all I could do just to keep it together. My mind racing all day. I spent over thirty hours wide awake, even now writing this is hard to focus. I feel manic.

There are some things that have hurt me so bad, to this day, I still can't allow myself to speak about it. I haven't been able to release that pain, because I personally don't know if I could take processing it. I am just not ready and that's why I'm still sitting with past hurts.

I so wanted to re-create the life I had prior to getting sick. I wanted to feel useful and whole again. I never thought in my wildest dreams that me returning to my former employer was going to be anything but good. Boy, was I ever wrong. I cried everyday that I worked and I was just overwhelmed by the entire process. I had to resign and that too felt like a failure.

There was a time when the words used to pour out of me, but now, they don't flow like they used to. Early on, my eriting was from a place of sadness but since I stopped seeing Tony and put all that drama behind me, there's no passion that I once had to express myself through writing. It's like I'm missing the writing just like I'm missing him 

As I lay here I wrestle with the fact that I want more and need more. Life feels stagnant with him, I need someone who's equally yoked not someone who is using me as a means to an end. Could I say no absolutely, but the timing has to be right. I want a clean break with no messy entanglements and I don't want to keep laying next to a stranger.