The Face of Heart Failure

I am so thankful to be alive and my family is safe.

Navigating through a rough patch in a relationship can be like walking through a minefield holding a live grenade. Sometimes, either one or both of you can be the casualties of love and war.

It's hard to go places with other people. For me it's like getting an infant ready for the day. I have to prepare my bag, put my medicines in my backpack, make sure I have my Depends in there in case I am gone too long and the medicine starts working. I have been on the citybus on numerous occasions and my bladder will just let go from taking such a strong water pill. I have long since stopped being embarrassed to purchase adult incontinence briefs, it is apart of my life now. There used to be the feelings of people can see how bulky they are from behind, and talk about having to think about intimacy when you have to wear these things, will he understand why I no longer wear the sexy underwear anymore? These are some of those uncovered creeping things that I think about.

When I got the letter from Social Security Disability Determination that they decided based on one doctor's visit that I was no longer disabled. The people who are making these decisions about my life have no clue what living with all my illnesses have done to my life. I am reeling, but I have submitted the appeal and now starts the waiting game. It's in GOD's hands now as it's always been

For the past several weeks I have had the urge to try running, but I know the risks to myself are very real if I I were to even remotely do something like that. I wished that my hands would stop burning or my feet and legs would stop tingling, or my heart would not race so bad just from laying down. I listen to its rapid beating, oftentimes, it feels like it's skipping. I feel like a walking book of diseases. Congestive Heart Failure, diabetes, anemia, high blood pressure, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, depression. I know that I am more than just a diagnostic code, but to the doctors that I see all I am is just billable hours. My former doctor won't even fill out my paperwork to keep my apartment unless he can charge my insurance for an office visit. Sad.