The Reason for The Pain

I’m sitting here at work trying my best to keep focus on why I am the way that I am. One minute I love my husband and the next I can’t believe I married this man again. Maybe I need to have my medication readjusted because this is not normal behavior . I know deep down I keep punishing him because he truly isn’t the man I wanted to marry, but initially I married out of desperation and fear and he married me to get out of his then current situation. 
He actually married me and then went home to her. I was hurt but not surprised because I didn’t love him in the traditional sense. I loved him like a friend and that was fine as long as I didn’t have to consummate the marriage. I held off on that until he just insisted on moving in with me. My husband is like one of those hermit crabs where he will just pick up another relationship while still in one.
The only difference between Tony and my husband Tommy is that Tony has my heart. Even with all the things I have been through with him that’s the one distinction between the two. I can’t help who I love and I know it’s unfair to stay but it would take so much to untangle myself from Tommy, that’s it’s easier to stay even though I’m so unhappy and uncomfortable even being intimate with my husband is a challenge because deep down I feel like I’m betraying Tony. It’s not rational thinking but it’s truly how I feel and it’s so unhealthy to be like this.

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